This column is dedicated to passing judgment on lameness.

As your twenties creep along you find the amount of lame shit in your life increasing exponentially. I guess it correlates with all that job, relationship, responsibility, blah, blah, blah crap that “supposedly” increases in your twenties as well. Here we do our best to pretend these things don’t exist. (Most notably Booth, who is currently thumbing threw an “US Weekly” on my couch.)

And what sucks most about all the exponential lameness is that your buddies are still going to call you a douchebag, or a homo, or a doormat for all that stuff, regardless of how old you are or whether the lame stuff is avoidable or not. Chances are, you being less cool than the 18 year old version of yourself isn’t avoidable. Most of this lameness is just a direct result of your job or your girlfriend or you just simply being less cool than the 18 year old version of yourself.

The trick is a happy medium. You’re going to be able to pull off a few lame things you probably shouldn’t, and you’re going to be able to weather a lot of good natured ball busting.

But to maintain your dignity, to continue to be at least a semblance of your former self, what you must avoid at all costs is doing or partaking in anything that is Irrefutably Lame. Like I mentioned, you’ll be able to pull off and outlast a lot, but if you cross the line and allow yourself to take your lameness to the next level, the ridicule from your buddies is going to stick with you like VD from the chick you met at the dog track.

What we want to do is remove any gray area. Guys like us need judgment to be passed on a lot of pressing issues. And the team has just enough free time and just enough experience debating trivial matters to be the ones to do the judging

Think of this in the same context of Miller Lite’s “Man Laws,” except relevant. I’ll represent a younger, Smokey-And-The-Bandit-ish version of Burt Reynolds. Booth will represent a hybrid of a white Eddie Griffin and the dude with one hand who doesn’t really contribute anything.

So, here we go:

Is Watching “Grey’s Anatomy” Irrefutably Lame?

This one has been tearing at me for a while. I know a lot of us got sucked into watching this show, whether it was clocking in some TV time with a chick or just the simple astonishment of watching Patrick Dempsey resurrect himself as a primetime leading man.

Side Note: I mean seriously, Dempsey? Dempsey? Five hundred dollars to anyone who saw that one coming. Aren’t we talking about “Loverboy”? I know this is like two years after the fact, but I’m still effing baffled by this. Was C. Thomas Howell not available? Really? Dempsey?

So, we can all agree that there’s nothing cool about this show and watching it isn’t anything you’ll readily admit to, but the question is: is it irrefutably lame to watch it?The arguments against are: 1) There are not enough hot chicks to merit watching regularly, 2) The show is no longer consistently funny, and 3) The show’s officially entered we’re-going-to-do-everything-we-can-to-make-your-girlfriend-ball-every-other-episode mode.

Additional Side Note: Speaking of the dearth of hot chicks, couldn’t they have thrown in at least one more chick who’s halfway effable? For my money, Catherine Heigl is the only one I’d trade bucket of beers for. And she probably ranks number one all time on the ‘Hot Actresses Who Play Doctors and are Ten Times Less Attractive in Their Doctor’s Uniform’ scale. C’mon, throw us a bone.

The arguments against are formidable, but for the time being the show’s lameness is not irrefutable. Sure, there are a lot of things that keep it from being cool, but we realize this is a big ‘relationship compromise’ show for a lot of dudes out there, and there’s a lot of crap out there that would be a helluva lot worse to compromise on. Anything on the CW comes to mine.

So, as long as the show doesn’t get any less funny or kill off Heigel (Seriously, who thinks Ellen Pompeo is hot? I don’t get her. You have necrophilia issues if you’re into her.), and as long as Dempsey keeps rocking out leading man status like only Dempsey can, Watching “Grey’s Anatomy” Is Not Irrefutably Lame.

Is Refusing to Go to a Strip Club with Your Buddies Irrefutably Lame?

Is this an issue? Are there guys out there who don’t like tits? Apparently so.

Recently–and tragically–a friend of ours has refused to join the rest of the gang on casual trips to the strip club, whether it’s Vegas or local or whatever. Just flat out stands his ground and refuses to go.

Now, I’ll be the first one to judge you if you go to the strip club solo, or more than once a week, or if you’re under the impression that there’s better than 50/50 odds that number Holly gave you last night is legit. But casual trips to the strip club with your buddies are different. They’re about comradery; they’re about nostalgia for a misogynistic time we didn’t really get to enjoy.

If you find yourself playing the, “Count me out” line when your buddies are rallying to go to the strip club, count yourself in for a world of abuse. Because we all know either: A) Your girlfriend/fiancee/wife won’t let you go (which is utterly inexcusable and you should dump that wet blanket), or B) You suddenly have an ethical issue with girls dancing for money (what, you don’t want to help a pretty lady pay her way through med school?).

Both these reasons are indefensible and neither will protect you from consistent verbal assaults until you remember where you misplaced your genitalia. Refusing to go to a strip club with your buddies Is Irrefutably Lame.

Is Listening to Coldplay Irrefutably Lame?

The ‘I knew you were gay’ scene from “The 40-Year- Old Virgin” made this an issue for a lot of us. Prior to this scene, many of us had found ourselves nodding our heads to Coldplay on more than one occasion. Maybe we even owned an album or two. Then all of a sudden we had to ask ourselves if we were gay for doing so. Seemed unfair really.

Side Note: If anyone can get me the numbers on Coldplay album sales to American males before and after the release of “The 40-Year-Old Virgin,” it would be much appreciated. Just curious.

I for one still have some Coldplay on my Ipod. I’ll be damned if I’ll let a movie call me gay when I’ve got an abundance of friends who can do so much more effectively. After review, listening to Coldplay–while certainly not cool or something you should do exclusively–is something you just deserve a few cheap shots for (something along the lines of: “Wow, Did you also get a t-shirt at Lilith Fair?”), but not something that should permanently tarnish your street cred. Listening to Coldplay Is Not Irrefutably Lame.

Is Practicing Scientology Irrefutably Lame?

Whoa, just kidding, no debate here. Booth was telling me about the “really interesting free stress test” he got at the mall last Tuesday afternoon, so I thought I’d throw this out there.

Seriously, the only real debate is whether practicing a religion that idolizes Tom Cruise ranks ahead or behind ‘Being Thirty, Living in Your Parents’ Basement, and Getting Walked in on by Your Mom while Your Masturbating’ on the Irrefutably Lame scale.

Is Being a Duke Basketball Fan Irrefutably Lame?

After the Thursday night game clock debacle in the Duke/Clemson game this had to be debated. Namely, because I grew up a Duke fan and my current stance on Duke Basketball officially went from neutral to hating them like everyone else in the course of this game. I will never live down pulling for Duke in my formative years, the question is: should anyone else?

Rooting for college teams has a lot to do with where you went to school. If you went to Duke, then you should pull for Duke. BUT, if you went to Duke you are therefore Irrefutably Lame, so there’s really no debate there. Kind of a chicken and the egg situation.

How about a Duke fan who didn’t attend Duke? Yep, irrefutably lame as well. A friend of yours shouldn’t be able to live it down if they pull for Duke and don’t have a diploma on the wall. I won’t live down owning a Grant Hill jersey in middle school, so your buddy who is a current Duke Basketball fan is effed. Does he also root for the Germans in “Saving Private Ryan”? Being a Duke Basketball Fan Is Irrefutably Lame.

Is This Article Irrefutably Lame?

Probably. But if you’d like to hit me with any topics you’d like for me and the white Eddie Griffin to review, shoot me an email and we’ll take a look at them.

Booth should be back with his ‘Crowd Pleasing Appetizers for Your Super Bowl Party’ column later this week.

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