Now that the Super Bowl is over, it’s time to pick a side: become an NBA fan or spend your evenings watching “Heroes” with Maske.

If you are one of the many who abandoned the NBA when Jordan retired from the Bulls, I think now is a better time than ever to give the NBA another shot. Here are a couple of theories of how to get sucked back in:

JK’s Theory:

Start betting on it.

As far as getting you interested in the NBA, JK is right on here. Gambling on the NBA is about the only way to get yourself geeked up for a Tuesday night game in Portland.

There is a major flaw to this theory though. The NBA didn’t get the nickname “No Bank Account” in Vegas for no reason.

My Theory:

Becoming an NBA fan requires a realization. The NBA is an individual game with individual stars. You’re never going to love the NBA by picking a favorite team and faithfully following their box score day after day. There are too many games and too few teams worth the time and effort. Instead…

Pick Your Boys and Stick With Them

Here are the three guys I follow:

Steve Nash - I never thought I would write that you should watch the NBA because of a 6 foot tall Canadian dude, but this guy is worth the price of admission.

I’ve included this highlight reel in an effort to maintain any street cred after making this sort of a claim about a point guard who used to have to readjust his hair with every dribble, but after watching it a couple of times I’m pretty sure the soundtrack will probably finish off the little street cred I have left.

Gilbert Arenas (aka Agent 0) - This guy flat out dominates. He is a scoring cyborg.Agent Zero

I find it both fascinating and hilarious that he yells, “Hibachi!” every time he shoots the ball. That’s right, Hibachi. His reasoning? Because he is on fire. (Remember NBA Jams for Genesis? Yeah, so does Arenas.)

Still not convinced Arenas is all that great?

After Agent 0 got cut from the USA basketball team, he told reporters he was going to score 50 against the Suns because Sun’s Coach Mike D’Antoni was an assistant to Coach K on the USA basketball team. Arenas promptly scored 54.

After he scored 54 against the Suns, a reporter asked Arenas what he would do for an opportunity to play Duke.

Agent 0 followed up with this in his blog (so he wouldn’t be misquoted and his comments couldn’t be misconstrued):

“If I have the chance to go back to college, I’ll give up one NBA season to play against Duke.

“One college game…that’s five fouls, right?…40-minute game…at Duke, they got soft rims…I’d probably score 84 or 85.

“I wouldn’t pass the ball.

“I wouldn’t even think about passing it. It would be like a NBA Live or an NBA 2K7 game, you just shoot with one person.”

If this guy isn’t your favorite player it’s your fault.

Lebron James - I know putting Lebron on my list seems kind of unoriginal, but you have to think of it from a certain perspective. Want to know how good this guy is? He was the most hyped athlete EVER (college or high school, any sport) and he’s lived up to the hype.

But here’s the problem: He, Drew Gooden, and Larry Hughes have to play 3 v. 5 everynight. Center Zydrunas Ilgauskas and Point Guard Eric Snow are utterly worthless. Start following Lebron and you’ll notice every time the Cavs play a decent team, Lebron’s stat line will look something like 30 points, 8 assists, 9 rebounds, 3 steals, and 1 rescue of a kid stuck in a well. And the Cavs will lose by 15.

Point of the story: his team sucks, yet Lebron manages to do things every game that nobody else on the planet can do:

(If you can’t watch the whole thing, fast forward to the final dunk.)

Why Other Guys Don’t Make the List:

Dwayne Wade - He has too much going for him already; he doesn’t need you on his bandwagon also.

Carmelo Anthony - This guy could never be respected by any member of Team Cool & Tough after the Knick’s game earlier in the season where he threw a girly sucker punch and then ran away like a bitch. When we run away, we run away talking shit.

Side Note: Team C&T feels adamant that if you throw a punch at a guy that is bigger and tougher than you and you don’t immobilize him, you deserve to get your ass kicked. Maske learned this lesson early in life. He was suspended a week from middle school for drilling some chick with a haymaker. The way he tells it, “She brought it on herself.”

Allen Iverson - Five years ago this guy makes the list. He is one of the most underrated players in league history. He plays hard every second, every night. Unfortunately, he’s past his prime and carrying around more battle wounds than Paris Hilton STDs.

Kobe Bryant - Kobe can’t make my list because if Kobe tried to start a DudeAlert group and invited all his teammates, none of them would sign up. Seriously, he once said he would hang out with the rest of the team more but those guys are always either drinking or hanging out in strip clubs. Yeah Kobe, I can see why you don’t want to hang out. Way to be a loser.
Guys That Might Make the List Soon:

I would understand if you started following these guys closely right now:

Yao Ming - His commercials are funny and he is starting to assert his size dominance over the league. I can’t wait until next season when we get to see our first Yao Ming/Greg Oden match-up. I hope Japanese bystanders take cover when these two go to battle. If Ming dominates Oden he is on the list.

Dirk Nowitzki - He was on the list until he admitted that he sang David Hasselhoff songs to stay calm during free throws, and then Hasselhoff started showing up at Mavs’ games. I mean, it’s one thing to fall into German stereotypes, but to assist in the Hasselhoff resurrection? The Hoff has been dead to every self respecting American male since “Knight Rider” was cancelled.

Andrei Kirilenko “AK 47″ - This guy isn’t that great. Does he look like that weird piece of eurotrash that sold you ecstasy in college to anyone else? He does have one redeeming quality, his wife did tell him that he is allowed to cheat on her once a season while on the road. Only once though. How many dudes out there wish they had this kind of deal with their wife?

Pick a guy(s) you can’t stand:

This is crucial. You need to pick at least one guy that you pull against every time he steps on the court. It’s a good time and makes you feel better about yourself.

Antoine Walker - I can’t stand this guy. He makes $7,773,500 to walker sucksunderachieve. To watch this guy play is brutal.

Basically this bum loafs up and down the court, playing zero defense, and then sporadically jacks up lazy three pointers. He’s always wide open because he makes less than 30 percent from three point land. I am sure that Pat Riley loves watching his 6′10” starting Small Forward avoid the paint like the plague.

Here’s the clincher though: Walker’s seizure-like shimmy he does after he makes what he thinks is a good play. By rule, I can’t stand any basketball player who does some weak-ass dance after scoring a basket. Can you imagine if Jordan did some stupid dance after he made all those game winning shots? He would have gone from “greatest player of all-time,” to biggest douchebag of all time.

See I feel better already.

Other Players to hate on:

The “I THINK I AM BETTER THAN I ACTUALLY AM CROWD” - Steve Francis, Stephon Marbury, Jamal Crawford (in case you didn’t notice all these guys play for the Knicks).

Ron Artest - No reasoning needed.

Carlos Boozer - Two years ago the Cavs let this guy out of his rookie contract early so they could increase his salary the upcoming season. The Cavs and Boozer’s agent agreed to a new contract before they released Boozer from the old contract. Bottom Line: the Cavs went way out of their way to hook this guy up.

The day after the Cavs release the contract, Boozer and his agent stab the Cavs in the back, and Boozer signs with the Jazz. You think Lebron could use the help right now?

Now Go Forth and Watch the NBA:

Now that you have the tools necessary to start watching the NBA, it’s time to become a fan again. Between now and next football season, what choice do you have? College basketball dominates March, but from April through June the NBA is your best option. If you’re like me you can’t get into baseball until at least the all-star break. So what else is there? Hockey? Golf? American Idol?

Seriously Maske, “Heroes,” you dork?

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