The original plan was for me to write a recap/review of the new episodes of “Entourage”. Just about every person I know watches the show so I figured I could piggyback its success and get some cheap readership by providing my unwarranted analysis of the season thus far, pretty much detailing what I think has been cool and what I think has sucked about the show recently.

But then over the last few weeks, something happened: just about all my analysis of the season thus far has leaned towards the suckfest side of the argument. “Entourage” has been a bit of a disappointment lately. Until last episode (where Vince decides to buy the rights to “Medellin”) nothing has happened. Celeb cameos are at an all-time low. The Vince dating his agent thing was nauseating. I feel like everything that’s happened to Drama and Turtle has happened to them before. And besides the limited “Medellin” talk there’s been no cool behind the scenes Hollywood action.

The recent suckiness has led me to a much larger question: Is “Entourage” even a good show? Or has the kick ass premise–celebrity lifestyle, behind the scenes Hollywood, concentration of guy stuff, the HBO profanity/nudity liberties–blinded us to the show’s shortcomings from the beginning. Is “Entourage” really just the television equivalent to the age old Super-Hot-Chick-With-An-STD dilemma?

Now, don’t get me wrong, I like the show, and I’m not questioning whether it’s watchable or not–there is nothing else on television that brings to the table what “Entourage” does (which is a totally different gripe I have with the television industry). The point I’m making is that “Entourage” is not a great show and shouldn’t be mistaken for one. A combination of the show’s blatant flaws and its inability to live up to its potential keep it from being great. If you don’t agree with me, too bad, I’m right. And here’s why:

FLAW #1: Kevin Connolly is a midget

Casting can kill a show’s credibility, and the first blow to “Entourage’s” credibility is Kevin Connolly as the lead character.

Don’t kid yourself into thinking Vince is the main character. E is. He’s the only character that’s remotely dynamic. Too bad Kevin Connolly’s height (4′11″, I’m about positive) creates this ludicrous circumstance when you’re watching the show that actually removes you from that suspended reality “place” you’re supposed to be transported to when watching good television.

Call me close-minded or whatever, but every time I see Connolly bag a hot chick or being taken seriously when going tough guy about a movie deal, the only thing I’m thinking the rest of the episode is, “No fucking way that midget pulls that off in real life.” And he might be the coolest guy in the world, that doesn’t matter. We’re discussing third party perception. I’m not sure I’d take Connolly seriously if I met him at the end of a rainbow guarding a pot of gold, let alone wheeling and dealing in Hollywood, banging chicks that outweigh him, supposedly epitomizing guys like me and my friends if we had the opportunity to live like rock stars. Sorry, don’t buy it.

Here’s the best way I know to put Kevin Connolly’s height issue into context: Imagine your shortest friend. You know, the go to guy your friends joke on when NBC profiles jockeys during the Kentucky Derby telecast. That guy is probably not terrribly short, right? Just shorter than everyone else. Somewhere around 5′8″ most likely. OK, well, Kevin Dillon is 5′8″, and he TOWERS over the rest of the cast, especially Connolly. Hope that provides some perspective.

You can argue with me all you want about any other flaws I plan on pointing out, but I’m more adamant about this than I am about kicking Wilmer Valderrama in the balls if I ever see him in person. Bottom line: Kevin Connolly ranks right up there with Mark Hamill in the all time casting blunders department. And if you can still take all 110 lbs. of him seriously as E, then I applaud you. You have taken open-mindeness to a new level.

FLAW #2: The guy who plays Vince couldn’t act his way out of a wet nutsack

As opposed to Kevin Connolly, I can take Adrien Grenier seriously. I just can’t take him seriously as Vincent Chase. And by “take seriously”, I mean I could have a beer with the guy and not find my mind drifting to how much someone would have to handicap himself to have an even fistfight with the guy. (Pepper sprayed with an arm severed is pretty much where you’d have to be to go toe to toe with Connolly.)

The problem with this Adrien (god, typing this the dude’s real name is making me take him less seriously) guy is that he’s not remotely believable as the biggest movie star on the planet. Zero charisma. Looks like a Vegan. Carries himself like Axel Rose. He’s believable as a guy who gets supporting roles in chick flicks starring Anne Hathaway. He’s also believable as some dude I had Western Civ with in college who was really into hacky sack. He is not believable as Aquaman. Not to mention the dude’s got the acting range of a young Bob Uecker.

Seriously, how did Marky Mark fuck up the casting of the two main characters? Did the Funky Bunch have no say in this? I’m just about as bullshit with him about this as I am with him letting the trailer to “The Departed” contain a clip of the scene where he shoots Matt Damon. Like we all weren’t waiting for that scene three hours into the movie when everyone else was dead. Wahlberg better look out for the next Punch in the Face Friday.

Side Note: Here I must make a point to mention that the remaining casting on the show was really well done. “Entourage” is not a success without the tremendous job of the supporting cast, primarily Piven as Ari, K. Dillon as Drama, and that kid who got punched by Jermaine O’Neal in the Pacers/Pistons brawl as Turtle. These guys bring it just about every episode (especially in the first two seasons).

FLAW #3: The writers are as ambitious as Rod Stewart’s kids

The idea of “Entourage” has so much potential for wit and originality, but instead the dialogue and storylines are on par with what you and your buddies could scrap together on a Sunday afternoon when your hungover as balls. I firmly believe if the writers of “Arrested Development” had been handed the “Entourage” project in the beginning, “Entourage” would have already done multiple clean house jobs at the Emmy’s. So much of the current writing is just flat, unoriginal, and a bit lazy, relying on the lifestyle “awe” factor to carry the show.

Take a couple of the more recent storylines, like the “Vince turning into a big pussy around Mandy Moore” storyline or the the “Dom shows back up” storyline. With just a little bit of work these could have been really intriguing, but instead they were just slightly more than filler.

If Vince is going to be this uber flat character that’s all about impulse and embodies the kind of emotional degenerate you have to be to be a movie star, how about instead of turning him into a fag when he really falls for some girl, you deal with how it’s nearly impossible for a person in his situation to manage a serious relationship and turn their back on all the glamor and non-stop poon tang that comes along with being super famous.

Or, how about instead of a former shady friend from the past turning up and being an unwatchable douchebag, stealing a Shrek doll (a fucking Shrek doll?), and getting written off in three episodes, you have this friend show up with an agenda and be likeable in a kind of dangerous way and then create a believable storyline where he tries to leverage his relationship with a movie star into serious personal gain. Doesn’t shit like that have to happen to up and coming movie stars all the time? Doesn’t that sound a whole lot more believable and a hell of a lot less lame than stealing a fucking Shrek doll?

And as far as humor goes, some episodes (especially this new season) feel like HBO brought in the Wayans Brothers as consultants. Gay jokes, jerk off scenes, and blow job innuendos pretty much sum up comedy in “Entourage”. Not that that’s all bad. Everyone enjoys a solid masturbation joke, but if that’s all the comedy I wanted in my life I would ask one of my dipshit college buddies (most notably Steve Irony) to move in with me.

You can really attribute just about all the show’s solid humor to the delivery/improv skills of Kevin Dillon, the Piv, and the gay Asian dude who plays Lloyd. Turtle says the same shit over and over again. Drama says the same shit over and over again (but consistently adds an extra layer of awesomeness). And I think we can all agree on the Piv’s greatness as Ari, but that’s created a whole other issue…

FLAW #4: The Stifler Effect

With every new episode, Ari loses a little of his luster. This is really no fault to the Piv’s ability to play Ari, but instead that the character has fallen to the Stifler effect. This is a phenomenon that takes place whenever the makers of a solid comedy realize they’ve struck gold with one aspect and then decide going forward they need a hell of a lot more of that one aspect because the audience loves it. What they fail to realize is the reason these aspects are so successful is they leave the audience wanting more, just like Costanza planned. This phenomenon is epitomized by Stifler becoming less funny with each “American Pie” movie.

In the first two seasons Ari is a breath-of-fresh-air character. The genius of the Piv left you longing to hear “fuck” manipulated into another clever insult. But now there’s just too much of Ari, he’s getting watered down, and this will really hurt the show in the long run. If anything, Lloyd has taken over the breath-of-fresh-air role, but I’m sure the writers will inevitably beat him into the ground as well.

The Conclusion:

Take “Entourage” for what it is and what it does well. Don’t expect it to get better with age. It isn’t as good of a show as you and your buddies think it is. It’s not exceptionally cast or clever or funny or gripping or well written. The show’s bread and butter is flaunting things that guys our age think are awesome (the movie business, hot female celebrities, Vegas, the Playboy mansion, courtside at Lakers’ games, etc.).

“Entourage” is the all time great for behind-the-scenes Hollywood and the celebrity-playing-his-or-herself cameo. These two things are what make the show exceptionally watchable and why it gets a pass for so many of its shortcomings.

Before writing this, I never realized the emotional ties some people have to the show (especially Booth, he’s all bullshit with me for trashing on his favorite 30 minutes of television). But hey, I’m a fan. I like the show for all the solid qualities just like everyone else does, so feel free to leave comments and send me emails telling how you don’t care about my shitty opinion. And while you’re at it, feel free to say what’s up to Kevin Connolly for me when you’re both getting sized for lifts at your local cobbler.

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