click here for What is Irrefutably Lame? Part I

Back for another edition of ‘What is Irrefutably Lame?’, the segment where the NextRound Team (aka Team Cool & Tough) passes judgment on what you can get away with and what is irrefutably lame. REMINDER: we don’t think any of the things we’re passing judgment on are particularly cool, we’re just determining whether they should get a pass or you should get a Punch in the Face Friday nomination for them.

In case you’re still unfamiliar, check out Part I for further explanation.

And here we go…

Is Making Conversation at the Gym Irrefutably Lame?

I thought we’d start off with a no-brainer that is also kind of a public service announcement to anyone who may have somehow brainwashed themselves into thinking talking to people you don’t know at the gym is OK.

The inspiration for this struck a few weeks ago when I witnessed some Under Armour wearing goon attempt to start three separate conversations about politics with other dudes in the gym. Three separate conversations. He actually got one off the ground. I don’t really care to get into details (I don’t really care for politics), but let’s just say things got uncomfortable for everyone near the free weights. And let’s just say that it’s a good thing some genius invented the MP3 player, because otherwise this guy would have certainly taken a ten pound plate to the cranium. True story.

Bottom line: You can only speak to people at them gym if you already know them prior to the gym encounter. Head nods are the maximum form of communication for everyone else. If you find yourself attempting to start generic conversations with people just because they are in close vicinity to you and those same people completely ignore you, that’s a you problem. I’d suggest some serious internal analysis.

Making conversation at the gym is irrefutably lame.

Is Facial Hair Irrefutably Lame?

I’d like to thank AJ Soprano and his never compromising chin strap for the inspiration on this topic. As I’ve demonstrated in just about everything I write, I’ve watched a lot of television in my day, and I can safely say that there has never been more irritating facial hair on any television show than AJ’s chin strap. Tony Almeida’s flavor saver on a few seasons of “24″ is a close second, but AJ’s chin strap takes the cake. (The actual character may have a lot to do with this assessment. AJ doesn’t have the internal fortitude to make it through a crappy Blue October song, let alone hunt down evil terrorists.)

But like a lot of small questions I ask myself, the worst facial hair question led to a larger question: Is any facial hair acceptable?

The more I’ve thought about it and run it by people, it seems the facial hair question isn’t as cut and dry as I’d like it to be. There are too many options, too many different types of people that can pull off different facial hair that others can’t. So I’ve compiled a quick list of what seems to be acceptable.

• Standard Beards (not shaped-up lame beards and not grizzly beards) are acceptable for: Guys over forty, Dudes with weak chins (you know who you are), Black dudes, and when you’re on Christmas vacation.

• Goatees are acceptable for: Guys who can pull it off (you know who you aren’t), Country music artists, Black dudes, Guys who ride motorcycles and don’t look like douchebags doing it (you also know who you aren’t), Asian dudes, and Guys with shaved heads.

• Grizzly Adams Beards are acceptable for: Guys on the lamb during a homicide investigation.

• Mustaches are acceptable for: Ironic theme parties and attempts to get fired from your job.

• Non-Ironic Mustaches are acceptable for: Dudes who work at porn shops, Guys who brag about going downstairs on chicks, Dudes over 50 who can kick my ass, and Tom Selleck.

Chin straps, flavor savers, aggressive sideburns, mutton chops, and Captain Jack Sparrows are not acceptable in this century and are irrefutably lame.

Is Having a Man Crush on a Gay Dude Irrefutably Lame?

We all might not admit to it, but we all have man crushes. Those of us with huge dongs are a tad more self confident and have less issues admitting that we have a bit of one.

But with the phoenix-like rise of Neil Patrick Harris from “Doogie Howser” obscurity to “Harold & Kumar” and “How I Met Your Mother” comedic genius, all us super cool guys out there have had quite a dilemma thrust upon us. And when a dilemma involving gay dudes breaks out, it usually takes someone super cool and super tough and super straight to sort it out for everyone else.

Let’s face the facts here. NPH dominates “How I Met Your Mother”. That show’s pretty much 90% garbage without him. Same for “Harold & Kumar”. This one exchange from “HIMYM” pretty much sums up how awesome NPH is on that show:

• Flat chested chick from American Pie: “Barney, we’d like for you to go this play I’m in. Please think about it.”
• Barney, immortalized by NPH: “I’d really love to, but I’ve got this thing…”
• The other flat chested chick: “What thing?”
• Barney: “A penis.”

Tremendous.

So even though NPH has apparently come out of the closet (which I’m still pretty sure is just a self-initiated rumor to get all the bitches to back off), his comedic dominance and quasi-Patrick Dempsey reemergence are just too overwhelming for it to be irrefutably lame to have a man crush on him. If it makes you feel better, just tell yourself your man crush is on the character he plays.

Having a man crush on a gay dude is not irrefutably lame (as long as it’s NPH and not Lance Bass).

Is Maxim’s Top 100 List Irrefutably Lame?

Yes and yes. Thank god Maxim still puts a lot of unknown hotties on their covers and in their spreads, because this list–which used to be kind of awesome–is now just an excuse for them to kiss celebrity and PR firm ass. I’m not sure exactly what the end goal here is. Maybe by filling up this Top 100 with high profile, over exposed celebs (regardless of level of attractiveness) they can bag a few of these chicks for photo shoots and party appearances and make some headlines. That’s all I can put together.

Because Lindsay Lohan (which our site previously cited as “coming in second place in a beauty contest to a german shepherd’s asshole”) edging out Jessica Alba as the number one, number one overall is a big fucking joke. Lohan over Alba? That’s like Daly over Woods. Ridiculous.

We will admit many of the chicks on the list are obviously hot. Some of the lower ranked ladies are even obscure and really nice finds. But here are a few that we’d risk a night with #97, STD-ridden Kim Kardashian, before we let them jump our bones:

• Lohan (#1, Seriously, WTF?)
• Fergie (looks like a gecko)
• Avril Lavigne (not in to middle school boys)
• Cameron Diaz (we’ve had enough run down hooker experiences for this lifetime)
• Sarah Silverman (one word: gross)
• Mischa Barton (mannish)
• Mena Suvari (not in to high school boys)
• Haylie Duff (vomit in mouth)

At least Slutty Miss USA made the list at a very underrated #74. The people of Maxim still have a little bit of our respect.

Maxim’s Top 100 List is irrefutably lame.

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