We’re just going to lay out the facts (as we see them) for you and let you decide:

Contestant #1: Elijah Dukes

We could probably argue that the exploits of Elijah Dukes make him both simultaneously a terrible human being and completely awesome, but most people seem to be leaning towards the terrible human being category, so we won’t push it. In case your unfamiliar, this fairly unspectacular Tampa Bay Devil Ray (if being a Devil Ray doesn’t scream unspectacular, we’re not sure what does) first got his name in the news when several people witnessed him threatening to kill his wife throughout a phone conversation where he continuously screamed, “I’m going to kill you dawg!” It was also later discovered that he mailed his wife a color photo of the gun he owns to threaten her as well. Like we said, couple parts terrible human being, couple parts awesome.

Today, Elijah is back in the news for almost certainly “allegedly” knocking up a 17 year old foster child living with his own step-grandmother. (Yeah, you may need to read that again.) When the girl and the grandmother confronted Elijah about the pregnancy, he reacted poorly, hard to believe, by humming a Gatorade bottle at the girl and storming out of the house.

Sounds like we’re all pretty lucky Elijah decided on tossing sports drinks rather than throwing haymakers to the girl’s uterus. We’re pretty sure he has experience.

Contestant #2: Chris Henry

Bengals wide receiver Chris Henry is no stranger to the police blotter. He’s been arrested roughly one million four times since he’s joined the NFL, and he’s currently suspended for 8 games this season due to the arrests. They all pretty much involve him being a terrible human being (gun possession, drunk driving, organ snatcher, etc.).

So Friday night, just to make things interesting, Chris Henry, Reggie McNeil, and some white dude were involved in some random attack on a sixteen year old kid. The assailants (remember, NFL athletes) jumped out of a black SUV, kicked the crap out of the kid, and then tossed beer bottles at him while he ran away. Talk about a kick ass Friday night.

Now, we’re sure the teenager was asking for it, probably wearing Keds or something, but seriously, aren’t these guys professional athletes? Who convinced them they were members of Cobra Kai? Shouldn’t they be banging strippers on a Friday night? People are weird.

Contestant #3: Enrique Iglesias

The most recent news with Enrique is that he had a fake break up with our second girl on the side (after Slutty Miss USA), Anna Kournikova. He and Anna let the tabloids spread the rumor to every horny dude in the nation that Anna was back on the market. Well, it was a joke. Probably an attempt to get the public to remember who they are. They’re still together. Busy being rich and talentless. Must be nice. We’re only familiar with middle class and awesome.

So when you take into account the break up hoax and Enrique’s other past transgressions (shitty music, massive mole, all the hot chicks he’s undoubtedly run through, that Hero song that makes us want to take a poop, etc.), and you’ve got yourself a rap sheet right up there with Dukes and Henry, arguably worse. At least the two athletes are keeping shit real.

Outcome:

So who’s the worst of all? That’s for you to decide. All we can do is lay out the facts. We can’t make decisions for you. Unless you want to loan us some money. We can make that decision for you.

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