Here are the top five reasons we don’t like Tony Parker:

1. He’s French.

2. He just won MVP in the most underwhelming NBA Finals ever.

3. He’s marrying Eva Longoria next month.

4. He made a French rap album.

5. He’s French.

If after reading those five reasons you’re not currently calculating in your head how much gas money you’ll need to drive to San Antonio in order to punch this guy in the face and remind him he’d be making German rap albums if it wasn’t for us, feel free to close your browser.

Seriously, is it even legal in the US for a French dude to win Finals MVP and marry one of our hottie actresses (even if she’s a bit overrated)? Seems like there has to be some sort of federal legislation against this sort of thing. We propose the reimplementation of replacing “freedom” in any term we Americans use that includes “French” (i.e. freedom fries, freedom dressing, etc.) as well as replacing “Pepe le Parker” for Tony Parker in all forms of conversation.

Right now our plan is to show up to his wedding in Paris (we’re sure you haven’t heard about it AT ALL yet) and punch him in the larynx just before the reception so he can’t talk the band into letting him perform a French version of Rapper’s Delight. Wish us luck.

Runner-Up: Johnny Miller

This arrogant pompous no-it-all had better be thanking his lucky fucking stars that Pepe le Parker won the MVP last night, because this dude has been asking for a punch in the face followed by an eye gauge for quite some time.

Were you aware that it’s actually Jack Nicklaus that Tiger is stalking for the all time majors record? This was just brought to our attention. From years of listening to Johnny Miller’s self righteous broadcast job on NBC we had always assumed that he was the greatest golfer of all time.

This guy wins two majors in his lifetime–one US Open where an alien snatched his body the final day and put up a 63–and we’re forced to listen to him patronize all other golfers during every NBC telecast for the rest of our lives? Doesn’t seem fair. We’re sure this weekend’s US Open telecast–at Oakmont, site of the alien body snatching–won’t be brutal at all.

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