We catch serious shit from some members of Team Cool & Tough when we write about the NBA. But hey, we like sports, what do they like, musicals, campfires, and horseback riding? Those fairies can keep their opinions.

And regardless of whether or not the NBA is outside of the collective consciousness, basketball is still basketball, and this time of year the sports’ landscape is a desert fucking wasteland, so why not pay attention to the NBA draft?

This year’s draft will be better than just about ever other draft over the last 10 years, because this year you actually know the majority of the players due to the 19 year old rule (aka The Smartest Rule Ever). What a breath of fresh air. You can only have so much barstool analysis of kids out of high school and guys you can’t pronounce their names right. Can you imagine the amount of zero anticipation this draft would have if you didn’t get to see how badass Kevin Durant was all college season? How much Oden dominated the glass in the tournament? Or what an inordinate amount of douchebaggery Joakim Noah is capable of? The NBA got this one right.

Another reason to pay attention to the NBA Draft–at least the first twenty picks–is because you’re guaranteed at least 5 laugh-your-ass-off/jaw-drop-interesting moments. You just have to know where to look.

And as always, this is where we come in, laying out what you need to keep in mind to make the NBA draft interesting. Here are five things:

1) Buy at least a twelve pack. And that’s only if you’re drinking alone. If you have friends, a significant other, or a dog, splurge on a case. The draft is waaaay more awesome with a nice buzz going. Stu Scott is waaaay less likely to make you put a brick through your television with a nice buzz going. Jay Bilas looks waaaay more like a talking circumcised penis with a nice buzz going. Foreign guys seem to have waaaay more trouble grasping the English language with a nice buzz going…You get the idea.

2) Figure out whether or not Kevin Durant thinks he could actually be the #1 pick. Anyone who knows anything about basketball realizes that Oden is the first pick. All this debate is just Portland creating buzz, the NBA attempting to drive ratings, and the media creating an issue that’s not there. Hard to believe, we know. But take it from us, Oden is #1. That’s it. No argument.

Think of it this way: 10 of the last 17 NBA Champions had a dominant big man on their team (Duncan, Shaq, or Olajuwon) and 6 of those 7 teams that didn’t had Michael Jordan. You take out the year that Larry Brown officially sold the remainder of his soul to satan, and you’ve either got to have a dominant big man or Michael Jordan on your team to win a championship. Who are you going to find first?

3) Over/Under on number of times Durant’s bench press is brought up. We’re thinking 16. If this number goes over and Durant hears someone say he can’t bench 185 lbs. for the 17th or 18th time, anticipate Jay Bilas or Tim Legler getting decapitated by someone in Durant’s crew.

4) Watch for the Hawks fuck themselves. First, you have to keep in mind that Hawks’ ownership and management are incompetent. From there, remember that they used their first round picks on Josh Childress, Marvin Williams, and Shelden Williams over the last three years when–in each circumstance–there was someone CLEARLY better and a better fit available (Luol Deng, Chris Paul, and Brandon Roy come to mind).

So with the 3rd and 11th picks in this draft, what can Billy Knight and his big butted theory do to set back his organization another five years? Different scenarios we’re thinking could play out involve a) disregarding a point guard altogether when there are several viable choices (Conley Jr., Law) in this draft, b)drafting Joakim Noah #3 overall, c) drafting some Chinese dude who won’t workout against live defenders #3 overall, d) trading both picks to get add an old KG to a young and developing team, e) allowing Usher in the green room, or f) Billy Knight drafting two swingmen to add to a roster that already has like twenty swingmen and mocking the media by informing them that the big butted theory was just a clever ruse on his part.

Dammit, we fucking hate this team. They better let us take over soon. And if not us, the management team of Lance Bass and Clay Aiken we already suggested. No way us or the Bass/Aiken team fucks the Hawks up as bad as the current group.

5) The trade that doesn’t happen. There’s been none stop talk the last week about trades involving KG, Amare Stoudamire, Jermaine O’Neal, Shawn Marion, and anyone Kobe doesn’t like on his own team. Too bad this is more than likely just the teams, the NBA, and the media stirring interest (see above) since we can’t figure out how one of these deals makes sense.

But keep your fingers crossed. There’s always the chance some GM has an Isaiah Thomas moment, making a terrible deal that disenfranchises an entire city and fan base. That would be fun.

So those are our five, feel free to throw us some of your own things to look out for…

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