We apologize for the lack of content yesterday, but we take our Independence Day Holiday seriously…which means we drink a lot the week of the 4th. Besides, it’s difficult to kick two bikini clad college girls who like to experiment out the bed just to boot up your laptop, especially when you’re on vacation during a particularly slow time of year.

But whatever. We’re sure you’d rather hear about our cool and tough exploits than our lame excuses, so here are some tips on how to make your July 4th holiday a little more awesome:

1) Drink at the beach. Drink all the beers. Beers and the beach go great together. Create an aluminum fortress around yourself and your friends with all your empties. Complete the structure with a moat of peanut shells. People will think you have a massive dong.

2) Stare at pretty ladies through your sunglasses. Do it at weird angles so you appear to be gazing at crashing waves when you’re actually dissecting anatomy. They’ll never know. And if they do suspect, they’ll be flattered not offended.

3) Never wear sunscreen unless applied by pretty ladies. After you and your friends drink all the beers and you are far more handsome and clever, turn on the charm and ask the girls to get your back. Let them know you’re not a homo and you don’t let your buddies touch you with any sort of lotion. Then challenge the girls to a chicken fight in the water and suggest you get on their shoulders. You’ll probably get to feel some boobs. Fifty percent of the time this works every time. And if this doesn’t work for some reason, offer them drugs.

4) Play cool and tough games like horseshoes or bocce ball that require only one hand so you can drink all the beers while playing. When you win, talk about how awesome you are. When you lose, tell the other team how they cheated and the whole game obviously meant more to them than it did to you.

5) Eat hamburgers and hot dogs exclusively. If someone offers you any food that doesn’t involve a bun or hasn’t been fried, ask yourself if John Daly would eat it. If he would, then eat it. If he would think it was for pussies, kick yourself in the nuts for considering it.

6) Catch a buzz and argue with judgmental relatives. Don’t make sense and just contradict everything they say. Pepper your dialogue with F bombs and the occasional C bomb to really throw them off guard. Continually mention how despite your debilitating alcoholism, your lifetime earning potential is still a hundred times better than theirs.

7) Do illadvised things with fireworks. Aim roman candles at crotches and shoot bottle rockets out of your mouth. Our founding fathers created the 4th of July due to their love for fireworks and the hell if you aren’t going to follow in their footsteps.

Have an awesome Independence Day.

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