WTF Happened To Scarlett Johansson?
July 5th, 2007 by NextRound
We’re out of town a couple of days and what happens? We start cruising around some of our favorite sites only to come across some really gross and grungy pictures of our girl Scarlett Johansson.
Normally grody pics of hot chicks on the web don’t bother us that much. After all, no one looks top notch 24 hours a day. Tabloids feast on hot celebrities looking miserable when caught in the right light, angle, or facial expression. But these new photos of Scarlett are different. They’re more troubling than your average shot of some primo hot chick not looking her finest.
Why? Because Scarlett is one of those female stars that falls under the category of unorthodox hotness. She’s defined by her super curviness, her raspy voice, and that she comes off like she would be fantastic in the sack (see “Match Point”). Unlike some more orthodox beauties (Jessica Alba comes to mind), Scarlett walks a thin line of hotness. She has to maintain. Curviness has the potential to slip to chubbiness. A raspy voice has the potential to make you sound like a tranny. Wanting to bone has the potential to turn into revolting desperateness.
And what’s with the nose ring and substitute teacher shorts? That’s startling. That’s nihilism territory. Scarlett might as well start wearing sweatpants everywhere. Mark our words folks, she doesn’t get a handle on this decline ASAP, this could be the end of Scarlett Johansson as super seductive sexy lady and the beginning of a Kathleen Turner-esqe metamorphosis. Let’s all keep our fingers crossed.
Before = Boner
After = Erectile Dysfunction
July 5th, 2007 at 12:59 pm
I gotta say, this is not that surprising. Like you said, she was always unorthodox hot. The fact that she was pasty and maybe a little too hippy was over looked b/c she has a great rack, a good but not great face, and she gives you the feeling that she’s a closet slore and would def be down w/ hooking up w/ other chix.
Her current poopiness can be explained by 3 words: The JT Theory.
That guy has the uncanny ability to ravage a chic when she is at the pinnacle of her hotness and then drop her, sending the poor slag into a death spiral. I freaking hate that guy, but i sort of love him too. He totally did this. Look out Jessica Biel. Seriously, the guy’s an assassin.
July 5th, 2007 at 1:17 pm
1- I agree with all your stillawesome.com commentary — ScottyMac’s commentary on commentary (or commentary squared) was spot on too. JT Theory is an instant winner — I cant wait to see how his relationship with Biel pans out. When I look at the tea leaves I think I already know the answer.
2-I used to have this slog batting 3rd off my alone time bench. Now she is playing softball.
3-Doesnt she have some friends, managers, personal trainers, publicists, family that could issue her a self-check — say something like — “Yo, Scarlett all due respect but you need to slow your roll — put some black on if you are going to go out — otherwise hit the elliptical.”
July 5th, 2007 at 1:21 pm
Mr. T says he’d still kill it. But he agrees with everyone’s comments.
July 5th, 2007 at 2:48 pm
We’re kind of pissed we didn’t come up with the JT Theory. Because it is spot on. If he ruins Biel he is officially on watch. We can handle the others but not her.
Good points by Lions. We’re a little scared that she may be pulling that whole “fuck everyone around me” thing where she wants to rebel b/c she thinks she knows what’s good for her. Very Britney-esque. It’s a shame really.
July 6th, 2007 at 9:41 am
Good for JT. Run through them and post it on the net while you do it.
July 10th, 2007 at 9:52 pm
Yo, JT theory is on point. Is that guy out to just totally ruin our chafing?
Is Scarlett now going to get married to some no talent extra from the set of “The Island” (or maybe if she’s lucky, Robert Downey Jr’s brother, Steve Downey Jr)?
Whenever these bitches start hearing JT singing “Gone”, they should seriously do the following:
* Give Billy Blanks a call
* Have their hairdresser glued to them like a like an old fashioned three legged race, and…
* Tell Paris Hilton to stay the F away.
On another note, did I just see Dane Cook on a commercial for MLB during the All-Star game? WTF does that guy know about Hispanics?