In case you haven’t heard by now, Tyna Robertson, the stripper/mother of Brian Urlacher’s illegitimate son, is accusing Urlacher of sending abusive text messages to her. We don’t have a lot of experience with this sort of thing, but it looks to be some ugly feud between Urlacher and some crazy chick he wishes to god that he hadn’t knocked up. OK, maybe we do have some experience.

We’re finding the stripper to be slightly less than reputable though since she is the same stripper who in 2003 sued Micheal Flatley, “Lord of the Dance”, for $35 Million saying he raped her in Vegas.

Now, there are a couple of things we know in life. One of those things is that Michael Flatley doesn’t force himself on anyone. He’s money and everyone knows it. Hence, the stripper’s lawsuit was bogus.

The other thing we know is that if you are willing to have sex with some looney toon stripper who you know is currently suing the “Lord of the Dance” for rape, she is either the hottest disease free stripper on the planet or you are a ginormous meathead asshole.

Since we don’t really care about the legitimacy of the accusations against Urlacher, we’re going to take a minute and examine what’s really important here: the text messages Urlacher supposedly sent the stripper. They are awesome and deserve some analysis. Here are our top five, but we recommend you read them all:

5. “Shut up don’t try to turn this around don’t worry bout the judge the next one wont like you either.” Here Brian is informing the stripper that due to his status in society as a professional football player he will have more leverage in the legal system. The stripper needs to silence herself on this point as his argument is superior.

4. “according to you everyone is racist cuz they don’t like you need to grow the f - - - up and quit praying and get a job.” Another example of Brian informing the stripper his argument on this matter is superior to hers. He also provides some constructive insight as to how her devotion clouds her perception of reality. In her eyes everyone is racist, including the non-racist, Brian Urlacher.

3. “F - - - off hooker I don’t have time for you.” In this example Brian is very busy with his professional football career and must reschedule their text conversation for another time. In a slightly derogatory manner, Brian insinuates Tyna is a “hooker” instead of her preferred title, “stripper”. One can only speculate Brian was somewhat aggravated at being interrupted while at work.

2. “Your raising a little p—y.” In this instance, Brian provides constructive parenting tips like only an estranged single father can. Brian has limited parenting time due to his lack of custody and busy work schedule so his fatherly duties must be performed in a concise and direct manner.

1. “Fyi: F - - - you.” A quick note from Brian just to provide a reminder. This message is both functional and to the point. Due to its frequency of use, Brian most likely has this phrase programmed as a preformed message that he can send out whenever necessary.

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