We’re big Tom Brady fans. Let’s get that out of the way to begin with. BIG fans. We’re borderline homosexuals when it comes to Tom Brady. Because he’s pretty much the guy we dreamed we’d be when we grew up, before reality, a lack of “orthodox” good looks, and our mediocre athletic ability hit us like a frying pan to the face when we were around 15.

And that’s the reason the recent rumors that he’s going to marry Gisele Bundchen in the near future have earned Brady a closed fist backhand to the face. We expect a lot out of Brady. We expect Super Bowl rings, a money demeanor, illegitimate children with actress ex-girlfriends, and a bevy of assorted hot model/actress tail that he never commits to. We expect to live vicariously through Brady’s exploits. We expect him to maintain a level of awesomeness that is out of this stratosphere for the rest of us.

So here’s a newsflash, Tom: getting married when you are Tom
Brady is not awesome. Even if it is Gisele. When you’re Tom Brady, your priorities should be: 1a) Making pussies like Kyle Boller question their legitimacy in the NFL, 1b) Giving the business to as many smoking hot ladies as possible, and 2) Not forgetting to wrap up.

Seriously, dude, if you marry this chick it will be like a little piece of us died. You’ll know longer be living the dream for us. Marrying some chick that’s going to be high maintenance and have a weird Brazilian family is not the dream. Marrying Leo Dicaprio’s seconds is not the dream.

Let all this marinate for a second Tom before you make any rash decisions. Let it marinate.

Runner-up:

Team Cool & Tough’s own, Big Slim, deserves a massive donkey punch to the cranium for being the only one of us who is not going to be cool and tough in Windsor, Canada next weekend for Toast’s bachelor party. Big Slim claims he has some sort of prior commitment, but the only thing the rest of us can figure would take precedence over running game at Canadian hookers strippers is gender reassignment surgery.

Good luck with that Big Slim. The rest of us will spend next weekend partying the hardest and patronizing Canadians with our American awesomeness.

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