We spend a lot of time talking about hot chicks with our Still Awesome Commentary. Why shouldn’t we? Hot chicks are Awesome. But in honor of the bachelor party in Windsor we’re heading off to this weekend and all the shady dudes that will be in attendance, I thought it would be a good time to give the less attractive women from Team Cool & Tough’s past their due.

Every group of guys likes to give nicknames to the mediocre chicks that their buddies have hooked up with. Team Cool & Tough is no exception.

Before I get to specific nicknames that we’ve tagged girls with over the years, I’d like to provide you with some general naming guidelines:

Lame Adjectives: Fat, Ugly, Overweight, Large – BOOOOO: Get original.

Great Adjectives: Beat Down, Worn Out, Worn Down, Skank, Slut, Whore, Tranny, Slooty, Massive, Enormous, Big Girl, Violent, Wildly, In Heat, Hooker – You get the idea. Be creative.

Good Animal Names: Pig, Moose, Razorback, Rhinoceros, Elephant, Sloth, Wombat, Dead Fish, Gorilla, Manatee, etc.

Outstanding Sports References: Linebacker, Defensive Linemen, Offensive Linemen, Tight End, Catcher, David Wells, etc.

Individually, some of these words are not all that funny, but combine them in clever ways and you’ve created pure comedy gold (ex: “The Violent Pig Beezer made breakfast for”).

Now, we’ve all experienced a hazy Saturday morning when all you want to do is meet the boys at a bar in time to catch the noon kickoff of a game you put an ill-advised amount of money on, except you wake up next to some random Biggie and remember your buddies caught you sucking face with her the night before.

When faced with a dilemma like this, you have two options: 1) Take Biggie to get some food before she starts gnawing on a pillow, or 2) Man up and join the fellas even though you know you’re in for a day of having your balls broken. Since you’re awesome, you always opt for option 2. Fuck Biggie.

This is where the naming guideline is beneficial. When the boys start to lay into you, seize the opportunity to takeover the conversation and make fun of yourself. Self deprecation is a real crowd pleaser. When you describe Biggie, use several hilarious terms in reference to her. The boys will be rolling and you’ll be able to watch football without getting ridiculed the entire day.

Here’s a quality line for describing your previous night:

“She was tremendous. We could really use her at D-Tackle next season. Unblockable.”

Some of our favorite nicknames/terms from over the years:

• War Pig
• Slam Pig
• Land Monster
• Slore (the slut and whore combo)
• Beat Down Skank
• Violently Overweight
• Overweight Rhino
• Worn Out Hooker
• The Beehive
• Wombat
• Barrel Ass

Top 3 All-Time Nicknames

Honorable Mention: The Beasts. Two chicks who looked very similar, mostly because they were both wildly fat. They receive honorable mention because The Beasts once attended a Halloween party dressed as Siamese twins–seriously.

3) Big Head Todd (& the Monsters). For this one chick with an enormous melon. She looked like a candied apple.

2) The Freight Elevator. Because to get this girl up to his hotel room, management recommended our buddy use the freight elevator.

1) And, our all time favorite: The Troll. Because—as far as we were concerned—she lived under a bridge near our fraternity house. To pass under the bridge you had to pay the tax. Gross.

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