I, the College Football Fan, woke up this morning with an intense woodrow. It’s nice to be this excited. Things have been pretty bleak over the last few weeks. I have been drinking heavily to counteract the bleakness. Last week I began dominating NCAA ‘08 on Playstation. Corralling virtual national championships has been therapeutic. But today my life is officially much, much better. Today ESPN airs the very first “College Football Live”. It’s going to be like “NFL Live” except for fans with an education. It comes on at 3:30 and then replays at 7 PM. I heard Erin Andrews is making an appearance on the first show so waiting for the replay is not an option. I’m leaving work at 3 PM and hoping no one notices. If they do notice, they can suck it.

ESPN better not fuck this thing up. I have too much riding on it. Rece Davis is hosting. He’s cool with me. He once said my alma mater was a dark horse for the national title, so it kind of made up for him having a homo first name. I’m sure Lee Corso will be there. There’s no getting away from that old bastard. My boy Herbstreit will be on the show too. He rocks. I kind of wish I was him. I met him at a bar in college once. He took home this Tri-Delt that I had been trying to bang since I was a sophomore. I didn’t care though, she was kind of a slut.

I was hoping Lou Holtz had died over the offseason but I bet he’ll make an appearance too. He’s like an older version of Corso with shittier opinions and a learning disability. If he says he likes my school to win our conference I will proclaim him an analytical god, though.

“College Football Live” better feature my alma mater like five times an episode. They’re asking for an email flood if not. I heard they’re naming the top 25 Heisman candidates this week. I’m ecstatic. My team’s running back has to be in the top 5. If he’s not at least in the top ten I will lose my shit. I will drive up to Bristol, Connecticut and kick Herbstreit in the balls. I may even mention the Tri-Delt he cock blocked me on.

Man, I can’t wait for football season.

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