As we advertised a few times last week, this weekend Team Cool & Tough held Toast’s bachelor party in Windsor, Canadia.

Team C & T struck hard at Canadia. Canadia struck back. As always, things got weird.

Coolest Things About a Bachelor Party in Windsor:

There’s nothing quite like an idiot crew of consta-intoxicated American assholes acting perpetually condescending towards all Canadians and their country over a long weekend. Here’s a few tips for being awesome if you ever have a dudes’ weekend in Canadia:

1. Always refer to Canada as “Canadia”. If corrected by some Canuck, continue to refer to their country as Canadia and ask them how disheartening it is to not be American.
2. Call every Canadian you meet a hoser. Whether it’s “you beautiful “hoser” or “you ugly hoser”, Canadians really appreciate it when you attempt to mimick their sayings and dialect.
3. If you ever hear anyone say “aboot”, laugh so hard that it makes all those around you uncomfortable. Inform whatever hoser said it that you thought “aboot” was an urban legend.

Another plus in Canadia is that upscale strip clubs–and more importantly their female employees–are a little more lax in the rules and regulations department than their US counterparts. The guidelines are technically the same, but dances are less expensive (even before the currency conversion) and the ladies aren’t scared to take it to the next level to please Americans. You must bear in mind though, the universal unwritten rule when hoping things will get taken to the next level: always ask the more average chicks for dances, not the super hot ones. As Steve Irony and Old Balls S-Mac are more than willing to remind everyone, mediocre looking strippers will always work much harder.

Things to Know About Canadia:

We knew we’d run into a few weird quirks while in the land of the maple leaf, but we thought the quirks would mostly revolve around funny speech and a preference for mayonnaise. Little did we know that America Jr. would present several differences that would greatly affect us.

1. Casinos don’t comp free drinks. We ordered our first beer at the craps table, tipped the waitress a dollar, and she informed us she required four more dollars. This was staggering. We assumed it was just the cocktail waitress’ odd Canadian sense of humor. It was not.
2. No alcohol after 2 AM…anywhere. Not in the casino, not at bars, not at gentleman’s clubs. All bars and strip clubs actually close at 2 AM with the casino staying open all night (not serving the fun drinks). Had we been aware of this, we would have begun buying stiff drinks for the Windsor University coeds much earlier in the night. And a tip to the wise: hit the duty free shop before crossing the border so you won’t be left with zero beverage options when the clocks hits 2 AM.
3. Canadians will cut you off. During our Saturday night boardroom dinner, the Canadian restaurant staff became visibly uncomfortable with our story telling (some of it slightly crude and misogynistic) and our wine consumption (plentiful). When Candle Man (many glasses of red wine deep) played pinball in the restaurant’s hallway on his way to the bathroom, the lame hoser manager decided to put an end to our wine consumption. This was not well received. Luckily the hottie hoser waitress realized we were the cool and tough ones and didn’t listen to her boss.
4. Professional ladies won’t visit a hotel room with more than two dudes in them. Of course this is something a Canadian bartender told us, not something we learned from experimentation.

So, Who Won Mr. Canadia?

As with all our C&T trips, one member of Team C & T parties harder than the rest and earns the trophy of “Mr. ______” for that trip. This trip’s unanimous winner of Mr. Canadia was JK.

Over the course of three days, JK managed to: 1) Arrive ten hours earlier than everyone else, 2) Be too drunk to figure out how to take a cab from the Detroit airport to the Windsor Casino, yet manage to rent a Chevy Malibu and drive it into Canadia, 3) Make it through Canadian border patrol with an opened twelve pack in the Malibu’s passenger seat, 4) Spend roughly five hours lost on Canadian highways before finding the casino, 5) Make good friends with some Windsor University students at a dance club that the rest of Team C & T refused to enter, 6) Drive his new hoser friends across town in the trusty Malibu as they didn’t have a ride home and were a bit intoxicated, and 7) Maintain a level of constant awesomeness not achieved by anyone else.

Several other members delivered solid efforts in their attempts to dethrone JK. One guy came close by spending a night trying to personally fund several Club Cheetah dancers’ semester tuition at Windsor University, but it just couldn’t take down JK and his Malibu rental.

As JB tastefully put it, by Day 2 the only way someone was beating out JK for Mr. Canadia was by “murdering a hooker.” No one rose to the challenge.

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