We often get the question: Why do you still care about the NBA?

We never had a good answer until recently, but now we know: the NBA is like one long marathon of really cool movies.

Before you grow concerned, don’t worry, you’ll find zero Eva Longoria/Tony Parker talk here. They’re only getting mention on this site after their divorce is finalized and their sex tape has hit the world wide web (a day we are anxiously awaiting).

In light of the recent NBA officiating scandal, we’ve decided to rank our favorite all-time NBA dramas (complete with screenplays). Of course, we’ll be basing our rankings on the following criteria: amounts of gratuitous sex, drug use, alcohol abuse, and degenerative gambling, as well as which storyline would make the best movie.

5) NBA All-Star Game Las Vegas

This one tallies pretty high on the sex, drugs, drinking, and gambling fronts. There was a lot of debauchery in Vegas that weekend.

The story centers around the thuggish mass who show up to every All-Star game. This past year they rolled into Vegas with no money. They hung around casinos and didn’t gamble. They went to restaurants and cut out on the bill. And they generally spent the rest of their time terrorizing cabbies, blackjack dealers, and strippers alike. All great stuff. The main negative here is their story is just a big generalization, lacking primary characters or events.

How we’d write the screenplay: We’d pen a mock documentary following both a random stripper and Pac-Man Jones in the vein of the movie “Kids”. It would most likely climax with someone ‘Making it Rain’. Guess who.

4) Magic and HIV

This one takes the cake on the sex scale. We love the stories about Magic pointing out chicks in the crowd during the first half of games and then giving them the business during half-time. Next to stories about Nick Nolte, that is pretty much the most awesome thing we’ve ever heard.

The issue with making a kick ass movie about Magic is that he’s proven to be some kind of public relations guru. Despite the fact that he blatantly cheated on his wife with a plethora of skanky chicks (and probably still does; a leopard can’t change his spots), he is still beloved by many. Probably has something to do with all those urban movie theaters he’s opened.

How we’d write the screenplay: This would be an autobiographical story focusing on Magic’s social life while winning the National Championship at Michigan State, then while winning the NBA Championship as a rookie, then while winning Olympic Gold with the Dream Team, and finally while being a guy who “formerly” had HIV. And–of course–by social life, we mean boning porno hot chicks.

We have a feeling our script might not go over too well with Magic’s PR team.

3) Jordan Suspended for Gambling (Maybe)

Jordan’s rumored suspension has never officially been confirmed, but one of the most infamous conspiracy theories in the history of sports is that MJ got suspended from the NBA for betting on the Bulls to win games that he played in. Hence his baseball hiatus.

This one scores exceptionally high on the gambling scale, but lacks the drinking, sex, and drugs. On the other hand, we could work those other elements in, and this would be a tremendous flick since MJ is such a compelling figure.

How we’d write the screenplay: This script would have to cut to the chase in laying down the backstory. Quickly establish Jordan’s greatness, preview his addictive nature, and have him start betting on basketball within the first quarter of the movie. We’d mix in MJ pulling some random Chapel Hill ass in there as well.

Done poorly, this flick could turn into “8-mile”, where there’s a decent premise but the most interesting part (i.e. rap’s subculture or internal sports gambling) isn’t delved into until the last 15 minutes.

2) Old School NBA

This one scores highest on the drinking, drugs, and sex scale. The late 60’s and 70’s NBA was chalked full of stories of players doing cocaine and hookers simultaneously at half time. We love those classic photos of players smoking sticks on the bench. The only reason that this didn’t win number one is that–much like the All-Star game in Vegas–this story is really broad and the movie would be difficult.

How we’d write the screenplay: The best way we can think to pull it off would be to create a fictitious central character who stumbles into really cool events over the period, a la “Forrest Gump”. We’d probably just pick someone out of the background of the photo of Kermit Washington disfiguring Rudy Tomjanovich.

1) Tim Donaghy, Fixing Games, and the Mob

Everyone knows we’re partial to degenerate gamblers, and this story even tops the MJ story on the gambling scale. Because it can be proven.

But the reason this drama ranks #1 is it’s movie potential. It is not a question of if, but when this will be a movie. You let us script this thing and you’re talking dudes wearing NextRound t-shirts on the red carpet at the Golden Globes.

How we’d write the screenplay: Cast Leonardo DiCaprio as Tim Donaghy and force Lucky Leo to give the exact same performance he gave in “The Departed”. This movie would be awesome. We’re currently pursuing purchasing the movie rights with all the profits from our racehorse venture. We already ran it by Leo. He says he’s in.

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