It’s 2007–five years from his NBA retirement–and Charles Oakley still ranks #1, #1 on our list of dudes we would never ever fight ever. The guy is 100% concentrated badass. Don’t think for a second that Oakley still couldn’t hand an ass whooping to any of those whiny punks currently in the league if the opportunity presented itself.

This weekend we learned that Oaks is writing a biography. He states, “I’m not pulling any punches, true stories.” This is tremendous news. We already spend a ton of time reliving the common knowledge Oakley stories, we can’t even imagine what the guy has to offer in an autobiography.

For a recap of the common knowledge stories, the FanHouse column does a better job than we would of highlighting Oakley’s most renowned on/off the court feats of awesomeness:

“…he slapped an NBA player in the face who owed him money from a dice game; he punched another one because they liked the same woman; and rumor has it that he once beat the crap out of former teammate Vince Carter for, well…probably being Vince Carter.”

As far as we’re concerned, Oakley has always been just the right combo of badass and batshit crazy. Mix in that he’s also pretty much MJ’s right hand man/person goon, and you’ve got yourself a legend. We can’t even fathom the stories Oaks could tell us over a couple rounds of beers before he had to kill us.

To top it off, he’s just a wee bit paranoid. We guess that correlates with owning a wallet that has “Bad Mother Fucker” stitched into it. When asked why he can’t provide any additional info on the upcoming book or his ghost writer, Oakley states:

“People might try to come after us and take us down, maybe send a hit man. I have to protect myself, can’t let it get out.”

Holy shit this guy is awesome.

Charles Oakley, we nominate you to the Still Awesome Hall of Fame as you have maintained an exceptionally high level of awesomeness over the years, the likes of which we can only dream about.

Here’s to us hoping you’re actually our illegitimate father. We plan on buying one million copies of your book.

[Source: FanHouse]

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