There’s no denying we are big hard ons for the NFL. Who isn’t? As far as professional sports leagues go, it’s in a class all its own. Even their cheerleaders are way hotter.

That being said, the one consistent shortcoming of the NFL–organizationally anyway, dipshit players aside–are preseason holdouts. No other league goes through them like the NFL.

Granted, due to the nature of non-guaranteed contracts in the NFL, some holdouts are understandable. Even if all of them are about as annoying MTV programming.

But what irritates the shit out of us are unjustifiable, delusional holdouts. They happen every year. And those involved deserve a punch in the face.

1) Brady Quinn.

BQ, step up for some knuckles to nose. Despite being off the charts on the douche-o-meter, we give your obvious personal shittiness a pass the majority of the time because you have such a knack for putting yourself in a position of ridicule. But even more photos of you grabbing other dudes’ crotches can’t make your current holdout acceptable.

Do you even remember the Draft? Think back. There was you, your flobee haircut, your unattractive girlfriend, Roger Goodell, his back office of shame, the PA announcer calling name after name that wasn’t you. Any of this ring a bell? The Browns rescued your ass! You were a few GM moves away from starting your gig as a grad assistant at Notre Dame ten years early.

So, despite the copious amounts of hilarious material you provide us with on a weekly basis just by being you, this holdout shit has got to end. You were the fucking 22nd pick! The sympathy pick! Covers of Men’s Health guarantee you a few homoerotic encounters. They do not guarantee you a massive contract. Get on the field.

You don’t sign soon, better watch your back. You’ve got one to the kisser on it’s way. Your ugly girlfriend may take one to the babymaker for good measure.

2) Michael Strahan.

We get it, Michael. Your a funny big black dude with a massive gap in your teeth that makes you unimposing. Ha ha. Hilarious. You’re perfect for deodorant ads. And when you and Jared from Subway get together you are one unpredictable combo. What a hoot…

EITHER RETIRE OR GET INTO FUCKING CAMP!

You’ve run through all the goodwill you built up, pal. Getting absolutely decimated financially in your divorce settlement is not a reason to hold out on a contract you’ve already committed to.

By the way, did you even see that chick you married before you tied the knot? She looks like some pasty art student from Vermont who doesn’t shave her armpits. You have fucking gross taste in women, dude.

The worst part is that you’re obviously broke as shit from your divorce with the walking corpse, but you’re intent on insisting that the real issue is that you’re pondering retirement. What the fuck ever. Bullshit the media all you want, but don’t bullshit us. You need the dough. Man, hope those naked pictures of her sister were worth it.

A Note on Someone Who Really Sucks:

Since we aren’t remotely political or super patriotic and this is ‘Punch in the Face Friday’ and not ‘Decapitation Friday’, we didn’t dedicate this post to Sean Penn. But after the latest Penn news we figured we’d at least make notice. We may literally beat this guy to an inch of his life if we ever see him in person. For so many different reasons. That’s all.

[Sources: Dayton Daily News, The Big Lead, Page Six]

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