My priorities are arguably in the wrong place so I find myself concocting inane pop culture theories on a regular basis. The latest one struck me the other day when I got sucked into “Saving Private Ryan” on HBO. This happens roughly five times a year as it’s one of about ten movies that I physically cannot turn away from if I start watching it.

This viewing led to a unique idea though, a new way to define a movie’s greatness. All you have to do is figure out how many people’s careers peaked in a single film. The higher the ratio, the better the movie is.

If you think about “SPR”, it’s hard to deny that it was a career pinnacle for pretty much every person who starred in it. The movie is just that good. And outside of Matt Damon, you really can’t argue that anyone else involved has gone on to bigger things since. The lone exception (Damon) can be fairly easily explained as his role in “SPR” is essentially just a glorified cameo.

Let’s take a look at everyone else on a case by case basis:

Tom Hanks.

There’s no denying that anything Hanks does will be quality, but can you name a movie he’s done since “SPR” that rivals it? Sure, “Cast Away” and “Catch Me If You Can” are solid, but they don’t really compare. Couple that with Tom’s flobee haircut in “The Da Vinci Code” and it’s safe to say it’s been downhill since.

Tom Sizemore.

This lunatic is pretty much the theory’s inspiration. If you’ve seen even five minutes of this dude’s reality show you realize quality of life has plummeted drastically for Tom Sizemore. He can barely speak he’s so drug-addled. The guy makes Gary Busey look stable.

Since “SPR”, Sizemore has taken pretty much any gig that would help him fund his substance abuse. The train wreck highlights include: “Red Planet”, “Dreamcatcher”, and smacking around Heidi Fleiss.

Ed Burns.

Besides directing a few decent indies prior to “SPR”, Ed Burns didn’t have much on his resume to begin with. And afterwards you’re looking at movie after movie you’ve never heard of. Including a cameo in some shitty Cameron Diaz romantic comedy. That’s like waking up in a puddle of your own vomit. You know things are bad.

The dude is married to Christy Turlington. That’s one bonus point. But who’s kidding who? She peaked in the “Freedom ‘90″ video.

Barry Pepper.

Pepper managed to parlay his “SPR” success into the leading role in “Battlefield Earth”. Putting all his chips on Scientology going mainstream was a bet I thought would have totally paid off for Barry, but–astonishingly–it did not. This guy seriously better have sent his agent to the fucking curb after that disaster.

The last notable thing Pepper’s done is star as a really creepy looking Dale Earnhardt in an ESPN made-for-TV movie. That equates to a staggering VHS presence in trailer parks across the nation.

Vin Diesel.

For starters, it’s a bit of travesty this waste of space even got cast in “SPR”. If I had one gripe with the movie that would be it. What, was Joe Millionaire already committed to another project?

Vin Diesel is just such a raging tool. And the crazy thing is that he actually paved his way to some mainstream success with “Fast and the Furious” and “XXX” before ‘outsmarting’ the industry by turning down sequels and refusing to turn those into franchises. Brilliant move, Vin. Brilliant. Last I checked you’re currently on the bullet train to soft porn-ville.

Others.

And the rest (Adam Goldberg, Giovanni Ribisi, etc.) really never had more potential than being solid character actors, but it’s safe to say they’ll never do anything quite like “SPR”.

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