With “The Bourne Ultimatum” dominating the past weekend and Matt Damon seeming like a pretty OK dude, we thought we’d grab a beer with him and have a chat.

We met Matt at a pub (the most non-homoerotic place we can think of to meet another dude). We pretend it went something like this:

NextRound: What’s up man? How’s it going? Sounds like you’re kicking the shit out of the box office.

Matt Damon: Good to see you guys. I’m good. The movie’s doing really well so I have no complaints. What did you guys think of it?

NR: Oh, we haven’t seen it yet.

MD: Really? You haven’t seen it? Isn’t that kind of a prerequisite for an interview like this?

NR: Dude, lighten up. You’re movie came out on Friday. We drink beers on the weekend. We plan on catching it for sure sometime this week.

MD: Alright, I guess. Just seems…

NR: Hey, don’t worry about it. No offense taken. You can buy us a beer to make up for it. (Motion at bartender that we’ll have what Matt’s having.)

MD: Huh?

NR: So, first question. You play quite the bad ass as Jason Bourne. To tell you the truth, we didn’t quite buy you playing Bourne before we saw the first flick. Didn’t think of you as an ‘action guy’. You pulled it off though. Guess that means you’re a good actor or something. But that doesn’t mean we think you could kick our ass though. Because we don’t. (Hard stare at MD to drive our point home.)

(Pause)

MD: That’s not a question.

NR: Alright, next question. What the fuck is up with your boy Affleck? Sometimes he seems like an OK dude and other times he seems like an insufferable douchebag. Can you shed some light on that?

MD: He’s a great guy. One of my best friends.

NR: But you had to have considered de-friending him when all that J. Lo shit was going down, right? That was miserable. You did remind him that he was engaged to a chick that had seen Puff Daddy’s wang, right? We mean, all seconds are kind of gross when you think about it, but Puff Daddy’s seconds? Super Gross.

MD: I support the decisions Ben makes.

NR: Sure you do. Did you support “Daredevil”? Because you probably qualify as a shitty friend if you did.

MD: Can we talk about some of the work I’ve done?

NR: Yeah. Definitely. Here’s a good question: what flick was gayer, “Talented Mr. Ripley” or “All the Pretty Horses”?

MD: “Ripley” for sure.

NR: We thought so, just wanted to make sure you thought so too. How about the “Ocean’s 11″ movies? Want to talk about those?

MD: Sure. They were a blast to make.

NR: OK. So if you had to ballpark a number, how much random stripper ass would you say got ran through when those movies were getting made? Had to have been ludicrous.

MD: We mainly just went to nice restaurants and gambled.

NR: (Wink) Sure you did. We forgot you got married. Is she hot by the way?

(MD polishes off pint.)

NR: OK, nevermind. Who’s the bigger degenerate gambler, Clooney or Pitt?

MD: Don Cheadle.

NR: Really? Wow. Didn’t see that coming.

MD: This has been great. But I need to get going. Do you have everything you need?

NR: Yeah. We should be set. Thanks. And dude, backhand Affleck or something when you get a second. That dude needs seriously needs to get his shit together.

MD: I’ll see what I can do.

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