We’ve mentioned on several occasions that we refuse to write about Barry Bonds. That’s not entirely true. What we refuse to write about is the stuff that the media is already beating you over the head with. What’s the point? We can sum up Bonds in four sentences. Barry Bonds is a horse’s ass. He took steroids. They enhanced his god given ability. He hit a lot of home runs.

That’s it. Case closed.

Today we will discuss Bonds though. But we won’t be regurgitating everything you’re already sick of hearing. We’ll only discuss him in context with one of our favorite theories: The Barry Bonds/Eddie Murphy Parallel.

Have you ever thought about how much these two guys’ careers mirror each others (besides both being black)? Even the dates line up pretty evenly. Take a look:

The Phenom Years (1980’s - 1992)

During this period both Bonds and Murphy turn in their best, most authentic work, displaying talent unlike any others in their respective fields. Both are most highly appreciated by the high IQ spectator/audience because they are fresh and represent endless potential.

Bonds joins the Pirates in ‘86 and immediately displays the ability to do just about anything on the diamond. Hits for average, hits for power, fields, steals bases, you name it. Golden gloves in ‘90, ‘91, and ‘92. NL MVP in ‘90 and ‘91. Pittsburgh never has baseball so good again.

Murphy begins reviving SNL in the early 80’s and by 1985 already has “48 Hrs.”, “Trading Places”, and “Beverly Hills Cop” under his belt. His rise is meteoric. “Delirious” and “Raw” are the best standup since Pryor. Records unappreciated track “Party All the Time” with Rick James. He caps off the period with uber-classic “Coming to America”.

The Plateau Years (1993 - 2000)

No advancement here by either. Both lose some luster and take back seats to others. Both of their games have serious creative declines. Prima donna personalities emerge.

Bonds migrates to San Francisco in ‘93 and has a monster MVP year. He spends the remainder of the decade coasting with the Giants, hitting well and winning gold gloves. He’s not the breath of fresh air player he once was. He takes a backseat in the late 90’s to the McGwire/Sosa show.

Murphy makes “Boomerang” then spends four years churning out serious crapfests before he finds another hit in “The Nutty Professor”. It dominates the box office. So does it’s sequel and “Doctor Doolittle”. Murphy maintains his big draw status but his original fans find his new work contrived.

The Horse’s Ass Years (2001 - Present)

Bonds and Murphy each turn into insufferable pricks. Early stardom combined with a chip on their respective shoulders lead to the concentration on narrow goals (home runs for Bonds and paychecks for Murphy). Both lean on a particular crutch and achieve goals that should seem extraordinary but instead are perceived as tarnished by purists.

Bonds relies on performance enhancing drugs to start ripping dingers at a pace unlike any seen before. Chip on his shoulder from all the accolades Mark McGwire received. Bonds develops an air of pretentiousness and a massive melon that make him nearly impossible to like or root for. The milestone records he accomplishes are overshadowed by steroid suspiscions and general dislikability. Mistress reveals herself, plans to write a book about Bonds, and then pose for Playboy.

Bond’s Disingenuous Accomplishments: Single Season Home Run Record and All-Time Home Run Record.

Murphy relies on fat suits and other lame gimmicks to appeal to the masses. Chip on his shoulder that other actors make more money and garnish more respect. Murphy develops an air of pretentiousness and a permanent scowl that make him nearly impossible to like. The small amount of quality work he does (”Shrek”) is overshadowed by the mass of mindless crap he churns out. Gets in public dispute over whether or not he knocked up a Spice Girl.

Murphy’s Disingenuous Accomplishments: Somehow getting both “Daddy Day Care” and “Norbit” to top the box office.

Email This