Today’s lesson will take you through some of the most fascinating and endearing locales in our great country: West Virginia, Cincinnati, Pittsburgh, and New Jersey! (Hair gel not included).

Good God, I’d rather vacation in Zimbabwe than make an extended Big East road trip.

Big East - as always, in predicted order to finish.

1. West Virginia

Optimist says: There’s no doubt that the offense will be insanely productive, with a disciplined line and the perfect system in place to exploit the supreme talents of Pat White and Steve Slaton. Pivotal Louisville matchup is in Morgantown. They’ll be favored in all twelve games.

Pessimist says: While the rush defense improved last season, the pass defense regressed to 109th in the country. Several tricky road games, including South Florida and Rutgers.

Overview: The conference title will come down to the Louisville game, which should be the most intriguing matchup of the year. Everything seems to be in line here for an undefeated season. Rodriguez has his system fully in place and plenty of veteran talent on hand to capitalize.

Degenerate Ramblings: This was a scary team to lay chalk with last year as the porous secondary constantly left the dreaded back-door cover in play. There certainly won’t be much line value here with no shortage of excitement surrounding this team. That being said, they’ll be scary as hell to bet against as well.

2. Louisville

Optimist says: Whatever superlatives apply to West Virginia’s offense apply equally to Louisville’s. QB Brian Brohm is both a head coach’s and scout’s wet dream. And he has three all-conference caliber receivers to work with. Yet even with their prolific downfield passing attack, the offense was balanced enough to finish second in the conference in rushing last year. Defense will get a much needed infusion of athleticism with the additions of Peanut Whitehead and the batshit insane yet lovable Willie Williams.

Pessimist says: New head coach Steve Kragthorpe is highly respected, but he’ll have a hard time sustaining the momentum Bobby Petrino built. Defense gave up over 300 yards rushing to West Virginia last season.

Overview: While I gave the nod to West Virginia in the season’s pivotal matchup due to coaching stability and home-field advantage, there’s not a quarterback I’d rather have right now than Brohm. If the defense inspires even half as much confidence by the beginning of November, I might consider revising this call in the Cardinals’ favor.

Degenerate Ramblings: This team has performed well in large chalk situations over the past few years, particularly at home. I’m not sure whether this trend will continue under Kragthorpe; he doesn’t seem to be as much of an asshole as Petrino.

3. Rutgers

Optimist says: RB Ray Rice has proven to be a consistent and productive running back his first two seasons. Offensive line is outstanding, allowed only eight sacks last year. Greg Schiano’s defense has been one of the nation’s most aggressive and sack-happy the last two seasons.

Pessimist says: Let’s face it, inconsistent QB Mike Teel isn’t going to take this offense anywhere near the league’s Big Two for overall firepower. Secondary has some major question marks.

Overview: It’s easy to write off last season’s version of this team as a fluke since they came from nowhere and won a lot of close games. However, they were able to take care of business against lesser competition both statistically and on the scoreboard the majority of the time. They also held their own against the Big Two. I think Rutgers has some staying power and should turn in an 8-9 win season.

Degenerate Ramblings: It will be interesting to see how much respect Vegas gives this team early in the season. I once again expect Rutgers to take care of business against lesser teams, although I feel West Virginia and Louisville will outclass them when they meet this season.

4. South Florida

Optimist says: Return 16 starters and only lose 15 lettermen. Outgained Big East foes by over 50 yards per game. QB Matt Grothe was banged up last season, but his healthy return should lead to a much improved offense. Upset wins against Louisville two years ago and West Virginia last season could be a sign of great things to come. Face Louisville and West Virginia at home.

Pessimist says: Running game can be inconsistent. Defense loses several key contributors. The conference should be much improved from last season. Has shown a disturbing tendency to play down to their competition the last few seasons.

Overview: The Bulls appear to be the consensus preseason underdog du jour among numerous media outlets. I can’t help but think that the preseason bubble has been over-inflated by a couple of stunning upsets. This should be a solid team, but I don’t expect them to compete with an improved Louisville and West Virginia. They don’t have the talent to easily dispose of lesser competition. The conference seems too crowded for them to improve upon last year’s eight win total.

Degenerate Ramblings: I will be leery of taking South Florida as a favorite since they are yet to show the killer instinct to be successful in that role. They have performed admirably as an underdog, but with the Big Two coming to Tampa I’m not sure that there will be a great deal of line value in their favor.

5. Cincinnati

Optimist says: Return 16 starters, a league high. The defense is the most experienced in the league and potentially one of the best if it improves as much as it did last year. Their four touchdown rout of Rutgers was extremely impressive. New coach Brian Kelly proved himself capable of rejuvenating a piss poor pass offense at Central Michigan.

Pessimist says: Tough league schedule with just 3 home Big East games. And they play most of the teams in their class on the road. Quarterback job is up in the air, neither guy has much experience. Pretty much everybody I know has met a complete and utter douchebag from Cincinnati.

Overview: This team could outperform expectations, but the schedule isn’t favorable, and I don’t expect them to compete with The Big Two. Look for them to improve as the season progresses and sneak into a bowl game.

Degenerate Ramblings: Cincinnati should be undervalued as the season begins. The offense isn’t particularly sexy but should improve as they become comfortable in Kelly’s offensive system. Their defense will keep them relatively competitive.

6. Pittsburgh

Optimist says: Four Big East home games versus winnable foes. Receiving corp is solid, return thousand-yard rusher Larod Stephens-Howling. Dave Wannstedt’s mustache is amusing.

Pessimist says: Run defense was atrocious last season, and they’ll be breaking in three new linebackers. Pitt were outgained in Big East play last season by a substantial margin, including a historic ass-whooping versus West Virginia. It’s a bad omen that the quarterback position is wide open because–let’s face it– no one will ever accuse Wannstedt of being an offensive genius.

Overview: This team will struggle mightily against superior competition as they have in the past few years. Schedule sets up favorably for five or six wins, but this is by no means a good football team.

Degenerate Ramblings: Ladies and gentlemen, start your ass whoopings! This should once again be a fun team to fade versus West Virginia and Louisville. Pittsburgh usually puts up less of a fight than Sebastian Janikowski’s prom date.

7. Connecticut

Optimist says: Sophomore RB Donald Brown developed nicely last season, including an impressive 200-yard performance versus Rutgers. Last season’s team was crippled by injuries, they should have better luck this time around.

Pessimist says: There was nothing particularly flukish about last year’s 4-8 finish. UConn was outgained by over 100 yards per game in conference play.

Overview: It’s hard to believe this team was a consistent bowl performer just several years ago. The wave of over-achievement seems to have subsided, there’s really not much to be excited about.

Degenerate Ramblings: Nothing very intriguing here. I don’t think UConn will be as bad as last year, but I don’t see them progressing enough to be a consistent investment.

8. Syracuse

Optimist says: Jim Boeheim’s wife is hot. Wait, he’s not the involved with the football team. Who is the head football coach? (Consulting Phil Steele College Football Preview). Oh, it’s Paul Robinson. I have no idea if Mrs. Robinson is hot.

Pessimist says: 1-13 the last two seasons in Big East play having been outgained by over 140 yards per game. The defense can’t stop the run, which isn’t a good sign in this run-heavy conference. The offensive line sucks too. Going from Orangemen to Orange is gay.

Overview: I defy you to watch a Syracuse game and stay awake the entire time. It’s just as effective as Tylenol PM and much cheaper.

Degenerate Ramblings: This isn’t a fun team to bet on. It’s horrifying watching your hard-earned money vanish while their offense stumbles around like a drunk midget. Stay away.

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