It’s that time of year again where fantasy football reenters our collective consciousness. Hence our Fantasy Football For Cool People segment.

Fantasy football is one of those cultural phenomenons that started out decidedly lame, but then slowly built up to an acceptable practice, much like non-smoking sections or using protection. Now even Team Cool & Tough participates. 

But this general acceptance by no way means fantasy football is entirely cool. There’s still a lot of gray area. Many landmines o’ lameness you must sidestep in order to avoid fantasy football loserdome.

Here are a few guidelines to follow in order to maintain your cool and tough status while playing fantasy football:

1) Never join a league at random. You should have enough friends that you are not vulturing other people’s leagues or joining leagues anonymously via message board invites. If you are currently doing these things, find some friends. Seriously.

2) Always gamble on the outcome. You and your friends need to have at least $30 each–preferably more–invested into your league. Just about anything is less lame as long as you’re gambling on it.

3) Never talk to anyone who does not play fantasy football about your league. If you find yourself telling people on the subway about your kick ass running back stable, you are a loser. Plain and simple.

4) Do not belong to more than two leagues at a time. Two leagues can usually be justified for various obligatory reasons. If you find yourself in three leagues or more you need to phone a prostitute.

5) Never purchase a preseason magazine. For your draft, print some player lists off the internet. This is all the prep material you need. You should know enough about the NFL without some poindexter outlining it for you. If you do not know enough about the NFL, it’s time to consider your career as a hairstylist.

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