Let us first make it abundantly clear that we are in no way comfortable dedicating an entire post to John Mayer. We’ve heard from a few sources he’s an OK guy, but we can’t get past him looking like a muppet and making music designed for acoustic guitar playing losers to sing to their girlfriends. So as far as we’re concerned he’s a douchebag.

That being said we feel compelled to write about this dude’s current mission. He hasn’t made it public, but we are almost certain John Mayer is on a quest to slay any famous chick that has ever dated/married any guy that is considered cooler than him.

Seems obscure, right? Maybe. But there’s motive to back it up. Mayer definitely has an enormous chip on his shoulder for being thought of as half a queer by 99% of the heterosexual male population. So now he’s painstakingly devised a plan to hump as many famous chicks as possible in order to vindicate his reputation.

Just today reports have sprung up of Mayer having a gay candlelight dinner with Cameron Diaz just hours after being spotted with Mandy Moore. It appears his intentions are to lay some ground work with Moore so he can pounce on her once she’s out of her current dumpy stage, and in the meantime put the full court press on Diaz before she turns 35 and can officially pass for a dude in male locker rooms.

Here’s the Mayer Quest timeline: 

2002: Dated Jennifer Love Hewitt after she’s done with Carson Daly. Motive: Once heard some chick at a Starbucks say she’d like his music more if only Mayer had Carson Daly’s looks. Result: First taste of vindication.

2006: Dated Jessica Simpson after her divorce. Motive: Was intimidated by Nick Lachey’s barbwire tat and ability to drink more than four beers in one sitting.

2007: Dates Cameron Diaz before she is decrepit. Motive: Seriously bitter he gets phone calls from VMA’s and Grammy’s to perform after first choice, Timberlake, turns them down.

2007: Plants seed with Mandy Moore for future pummelling. Motive: Really bullshit that Zach Braff goes to the same hair stylist. Also once quoted as saying, “I can 100% bang any chick that’s been with Wilmer Valderrama.”

There you have it. And while we can’t completely condone anything involving both John Mayer and a bunch of sloppy seconds, we cannot in good conscience ignore any mission that involves decimating as many chicks as possible. Therefore, we will continue to monitor Mayer Quest.

[Source: Page Six]

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