Don’t kick yourself if you’re sitting there wondering who the fuck Cash Warren is. The guy is remarkably unimpressive. There’s only one reason he’s relevant. He’s the guy who dated Jessica Alba for two years. They recently broke up.

Or maybe “supposedly” broke up is more appropriate. On Wednesday we began to read reports and see photos that suggested he and Alba had mended the relationship. With that news a small flame of hope burning in the soul of every heterosexual American male was extinguished.

This dude deserves a punch in the face for SO many reasons. We’re getting migraines thinking about how numerous they are. We may as well just call it “Cash Warren Friday” going forward. But that would make us feel even more gay than the idea that this guy can pull off Jessica Alba and we can’t. Ultimate dagger.

There’s so much to cover on this waste-of-space, we’re just going to do what we do best and make a list of punch-deserving things about Cash Warren:

1) His name sounds like a degrading sexual maneuver. Can’t you just imagine telling your buddies the next morning how you, “Cash Warrened some chick last night and she never saw it coming.”? Actually, now that we think of it, his name may be the only cool thing about him.

2) Since this guy is completely useless it’s difficult to find any info on him. Literally, the only thing we can find on him is that he was the personal assistant to the guy who directed “Fantastic Four” and that’s where he met Alba. Think about that. Cash Warren pretty much parlayed a gig that’s one step above a fluffer to dating Jessica Alba. This dude must have like thirty rabbits’ feet shoved up his ass.

3) When he and Alba broke up not long ago he played our move and acted all aloof until she ended the relationship with him. Apparently she wanted to get married and he didn’t. You’ve got to be kidding. This guy is Cash “Douchebag” Warren. Who’s he holding out for? We created the act aloof maneuver to be used on chicks with big foreheads and abnormally large front teeth, not Alba.

4) After about a week of this loser getting shot down by C-list actresses in Hollywood, it looks like he’s come groveling back to Alba. We despise him even more because she’s totally going to take him back. Now we judge her as well and will never be able to look at her the same again hold a grudge against her for at least a month.

5) He wears pink shirts that seem to be in no way related to breast cancer walks (above).

So, Cash, wanker, for all the above, here’s your collective punch in the face from every hard-working dude out there that’s ever sat through a shitty Jessica Alba movie with a glimmer of hope that he may one day bone marry her.

[Source: WWTDD]

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