1) Get there early. Tailgating is too precious to not soak up every second. As a rule of thumb you should be leveling yourself off with your second Bloody Mary by the time College Gameday starts up. And that’s the bare minimum. If the noon games kick off and you’re still in bed, you’ve not only let yourself down, you’ve let us and your friends down.

2) Drink alcohol first. You will most likely be nursing a hangover on Saturday morning. And the only cure is to transform that headache and nausea into an old-fashioned liquor high. H20 may be necessary at some point throughout the day, but always remember to maintain your priorities.

3) Have a television. This cannot be stressed enough. A tailgate without a television is like sex without a women. You take away the key ingredient and both get frustrating and disturbing.

4) Always make it into the game. Inevitably, some people will get drunk and lazy and decide they’d rather watch the game from the cozy confines of the tailgate. You are better than that. Never be tempted to slack off and not go in. You’ll hate yourself later.

5) Never be the drunkest guy there. Sure, it’s not only cool but also encouraged to enjoy beer and spirits at the tailgate. But a rule to live by is always make sure there is at least one person there drunker than you are. It’s counterproductive to hear stories the next day of how you continued to miss your own mouth as you attempted to eat fifteen deviled eggs. You want to be the guy telling those stories.

6) Don’t talk to randoms. Occasionally, some tool that also pulls for your team will try to interject himself into your tailgate scene on the basis of you sharing a common rooting interest. You already have to talk to too many people you don’t want to during the week. You should not be subjected to this on the weekends. The only proven remedy is avoidance. Ignore, ignore, ignore. It may take thirty seconds, or it may take thirty minutes, but eventually the random will get the picture.

7) Be clever when mocking opposing fans. Everyone enjoys ridiculing an inferior minority, but don’t be the guy screaming, “Your team blows!” or “Go fuck yourself!” at the opposing team’s fans. Get original. Ridicule them in clever fashion. Try things like making fun of how effeminate their mascot is or how their starting quarterback has acne. Play to your crowd.

8 ) Be entertaining when harassing pretty coeds. If you’re willing to be the jackass who screams at the jaw-dropping 18 to 22 year-olds moseying by your tailgate, make sure to a) gather a large crowd of your friends around you, and b) attempt to impress the coeds with obnoxious/ironic/hilarious declarations like announcing that you make well over six figures, or that you’ll buy them all beer, or that you have unparalleled experience in locating the g-spot. Again, play to your crowd.

9) And most importantly, always be as cool and tough as possible.

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