Two things about the NFL:

1) It’s worthless to gamble on.

2) Not all games are created equal.

With that in mind, we’ll be passing judgment each week on what’s watchable or not from the NFL slate.

THURSDAY 8:30PM

Saints at Colts

First game of the season featuring a very compelling matchup is a must watch. Both teams should march up and down the field in this game.

What do you think there will be more of?: A) Peyton Manning TD passes, or B) Peyton Manning commercials.

As a rule, the same commercial over and over again only counts as one commercial. We’ll still take the commercials.

SUNDAY 1PM - ranked in order of watchability

1. Patriots at Jets

The unadulterated hatred that Mangini and Belichick have for one another is one the most underrated subplots in the NFL. It really can’t be understated how much these two guys fucking hate each other. They would sleep with each other’s wives if given the opportunity.

Also, these games are always really close.

2. Panthers at Rams

If you don’t think watching Steve Smith and Torry Holt on turf is fun you are just a flat out unlikable person.

3. Falcons at Vikings

We are going on record right now saying that we are on the Gay Pianist’s (aka Joey Harrington’s) bandwagon. Mark it fucking down. The guy was built to for two things: A) the Bobby Petrino offense, and B) Playing Bach Concertos in A minor.

And a free beer for anyone who can name where Tavaris Jackson went to college. That’s right, you guessed it: Alabama State. Or as you may have heard it referred to: Quarterback U. Don’t doubt this dude’s pedigree. (Tongue very firmly in cheek for all you wankers out there.)

4. Titans at Jaguars

Vince Young scrambling around like he’s playing high school ball against a pipe hitting Jags’ defense should provide for a few violent collisions that leave a lot of Titans’ fans gasping for breath.

We have some solid experience with getting fired, but Byron Leftwich must be seriously bullshit. Almost overnight this guy went from thinking he was a starting NFL QB making 5.145 million dollars to hanging out with Booth at the unemployment office. Do you think he had the wherewithal to make a cup of coffee before cleaning out his locker?

5. Broncos at Bills

If you are stuck watching the Bills play at least you get to witness Jay Cutler uncork a few balls with the clear intention of getting one into Canada.

It is really unfortunate that the Bills got rid of Willis McGahee because it would have been a riot to see he and Travis Henry settle the Super Sperm argument on the field once and for all.

6. Steelers at Browns

This game features the only two NFL QBs that no self respecting heterosexual male can pull for:

A) Ben Roethlisberger: A raging douchebag meathead. You’ve probably witnessed this guy roll his Corvette up to the gym, hop out in a wifebeater, and proceed to grunt his way through 3 sets on the bench.

B) Brady Quinn: Doing his damnedest to prove to all sports fans that the only reason he plays QB is because he can’t find anywhere else to check out 5 hot dudes bending over at the same time.

7. Chiefs at Texans

Only reason to watch the Chiefs: Kelli Croyle and October Gonzalez.

Only reason to watch the Texans: This is the first year in team history they could beat the Longhorns.

8. Dolphins at Redskins

Unless Clinton Portis actually shows up dressed as “Southeast Jerome” there is no reason to watch this game.

SUNDAY 4PM - ranked in order of watchability

1. Bears at Chargers

LaDainian Tomlinson v. the Bears’ Defense. We’re so excited we just ruined our good pair of cargo shorts.

Side Note: If you ever hook up with a random chick and piss yourself in the middle of the night, roll the girl into the piss puddle, then shake her awake and yell “What’d you do?” 50% of the time it works every time.

2. Lions at Raiders

This game is appealing because we all know both these teams are going to suck. If you think the Raiders or the Lions will be any better this year you’re an idiot.

3. Buccaneers at Seahawks

We’ve liked Jeff Garcia ever since T.O. accused him of being gay while in all actuality the dude was spending more time at the Playboy Mansion than James Woods. Garcia did eventually settle down and marry Miss Playboy 2005.

As for this game, it will be hard to find someone besides Old Balls S-Mac who actually gives a shit.

SUNDAY 8 PM

Giants at Cowboys

Alright, at the exact same time Britney Spears is going to open the VMA’s. We can’t help but watch. She might try anal on stage or something at this point.

As for the game, we are SOOO over T.O. He carries about the same intrigue as a prostate exam at this point.

MONDAY 7PM

Ravens at Bengals

Everyone hates Mondays. Everyone except for Booth. Everyday is a weekend for him.

But we love Carson Palmer and Ocho Cinco.

MONDAY 10PM

Cardinals at 49ers

This game should be riveting as both of these offenses should be significantly improved from last year.

We wish we could hear the pre-game conversation between Matt Leinhart and Alex Smith. We imagine it will go something like this.

Matt Leinart: Yo Alex, good to see you. What’s it like waking up in the morning knowing the only reason you went #1 overall is because I didn’t come out early?

Alex Smith: Not bad. Smart move on your part though. What, were you too busy with the ballroom dance classes?

ML: No, I was too busy banging actresses and models. Doesn’t your mom live in LA? I think I may have run into her one time.

AS: I think you mean you were busy making babies with mutant basketball players.

ML: Yeah, she’s only like one million times hotter than every chick running around Utah.

AS: Maybe, but there’s nothing quite like de-flowering a mormon.

ML: (Laughing) Yeah, alright. Good luck tonight. (Under breath.) Douchebag.

AS: (Laughing) You too. Let me know if you need any help with those child support payments. (Under breath) Fucking deadbeat.

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