The Fall kicks undeniable ass. Not only does football start up, but so does all-new television.

Over the next two weeks we’ll be previewing the new Fall lineups, essentially doing the heavy lifting so you don’t have to. The goal of the Fall TV Preview is to inform you of what shows are worth your time and what shows will get you called gay by your friends.

When analyzing each night’s TV lineup we’ll be using a scientific approach based solely on our cool and tough opinions. It’s pretty much foolproof.

In addition, thanks to the modern miracle of science known as Tivo, we’ll also be recommending “Dual Tivo Action”–the act of using two tuners to watch two shows at the same time–during some time slots in order to maximize your viewing pleasure.

Let’s begin our journey with the nighttime counterpart to the shittiest day of the week: Monday. Asterisks indicate a new show.

8:00 PM

What to watch: “How I Met Your Mother” (CBS). Just about everything on CBS sucks. Especially comedies. They manage to hokey up their production value to the point of nausea. That being said, “How I Met Your Mother” is clever and funny the majority of the time. Neil Patrick Harris has achieved the remarkable status of being the only gay dude we have a man-crush on.

What’s defensible: “Chuck”** (NBC). New show about a computer dork who becomes a spy. Looks like NBC is trying WAAAY too hard on this one, but we won’t judge you if you give it a shot.

What’s confusing: “Prison Break” (FOX). Few things leave us clueless like the success of a an overacted, mind numbingly unrealistic show like “Prison Break”. Well, foreplay leaves us just as clueless, but that’s about it.

Blacklisted: “Dancing with the Stars” (ABC). We have to admit that we’ve seen an episode or two and that this show has an intriguing “train wreck” factor due to all the washed up stars C-Listers it features (i.e. AC Slater and Steve Sanders). But ABC has blown it up into an idiotic monstrosity (the show is an hour and a half fucking long). You used to be able to get away with watching this show with a girl you wanted to do, but now it is completely indefensible.

8:30 PM

What to watch: “Monday Night Football” (ESPN). Damn, Tivo has to be one of the greatest inventions ever. Right up there with the automobile and the roomba.

Monday night is what Dual Tivo Action is all about. Before Tivo you had to sit through all the fluff and circumstance of MNF. Now you can keep the pregame show and MNF on one tuner and watch the shows you like on the other. This allows for you to conveniently flip back to ESPN to catch all the football goodness while fast forwarding through any segment that involves Stuart Scott. Just tremendous.

Blacklisted: “The Big Bang Theory”** (CBS). We’re not sure where the recent ‘Let’s make a show about nerds’ group-think began, but it’s very evident this Fall season. Once we saw an ad boasting”From the creators of ‘Two and a Half Men’!”, this show got auto-blacklisted.

9:00 PM

What to watch: “Heroes” (NBC). You gotta love the show that feeds everyone’s inner-loser, but is popular enough to justify it. We’re skeptical about “Heroes’” ability to scale down the cheese factor in the second season, especially after the lackluster season finale, but it was too good last year for us not to come back for more. Just remember to continue to flip back to “Monday Night Football” to offset the loserdome.

What’s defensible: “K-Ville”** (FOX). New show about two cops in post-Katrina New Orleans. Has potential to be kind of interesting. We won’t watch because we find Anthony Anderson only slightly less annoying than Sarah Silverman, but we won’t think poorly of you if you give it a try.

Blacklisted: “Two and a Half Men” (CBS). We have never once watched “Two and a Half Men”, but we’re certain it’s the worst show on TV. We don’t care if that claim is unjustifiably judgemental, we’re right. It’s popularity epitomizes dumbed-down America. That being said, if Charlie Sheen’s character starts ordering ex-porn stars to fake their own deaths we’ll be willing to consider watching.

10:00 PM

What to watch: “Journeyman”** (NBC). We’re basing this recommendation solely on A) the previews looking pretty cool, B) our opinion that NBC consistently churns out the highest quality programming, and C) the guy who stars in it was a raging bad ass as Lucius Vorenus on “Rome”. If the show doesn’t pan out, we’ll watch more football.

What’s confusing: “CSI Miami” (CBS). How the hell does anyone regularly watch a show starring David Caruso? The way this dude overacts you’d think he was under the impression that they give out Emmy’s for individual scenes. We refuse to take him or “CSI Miami” seriously.

Blacklisted: “The Bachelor” (ABC). Any dude who needs an explanation can feel free to get the eff off our website.

Tuesday Night Preview later this week.

Email This