Previous Previews: Monday

We’re not sure what Tuesday night ever did to deserve the backhanded treatment it receives, but the primetime television schedule for Tuesdays has sucked for as long as we can remember.

No football. No returning shows you’re really anxious to see. No new shows that look remotely intriguing. Tuesday night is explicitly why you can’t cancel your Netflix or Blockbuster Online membership during the Fall.

If you decide not to watch a movie or catch up on Tivo, here’s what Tuesday Night has to offer. Asterisks indicate a new show. 

8:00 PM

What to watch: Nothing. Seriously, there’s nothing in this time slot that’s more than moderately appealing. Not even on the Discovery Channel. It’s so bad you might want to considering reading.

What’s defensible: “NCIS” (CBS). This show has to be crappy, but no way it’s crappier than anything else on. Mark Harmon was kind of money in “Summer School”.

What’s also defensible: “Beauty and the Geek” (CW). Due to the turn-off-your-brain/train wreck appeal, we can give a pass to this show. The chicks–on a whole–are hot, and the dudes will make you feel better about yourself. We can’t overtly recommend “Beauty and the Geek” though, because it’s on the CW and our archenemy, Ashton Kutcher, is an executive producer. The only thing we can overtly recommend is that you kick Kutcher in the nuts should you ever see him in person.

Blacklisted: “Cavemen”** (ABC). This show is a bigger mail-in than Randy Moss’s tenure with the Raiders. What, did Ted Ferguson have feature film aspirations?

Is there any bigger way to let your viewing audience know that you consider them a bunch of mindless retards than to make an unmakeable show just because the thirty second commercials are popular? ABC is officially on notice. That being said, we are looking forward to the impending Cavemen in-game interview on Monday Night Football. That should be instant YouTube magic.

8:30 PM

Blacklisted: “Carpoolers”** (ABC). Any show starring Jerry O’Connell should just be titled “Race to be Cancelled”. Seriously, “Lost” better dominate next Spring or ABC may find a lit bag of shit on their doorstep.

9:00 PM

What to watch: “House” (FOX). Thank god a couple of shows come along and slightly redeem Tuesday night. We’re not overzealous “House” fans, but you always know what you’re going to get: something that’s watchable and of above average quality. We’re a little concerned about the show getting too character oriented as it goes on, but as long as Hugh Laurie keeps up the good work, we recommend it.

What also to watch: “The Unit” (CBS). We’re not massive fans of “The Unit” primarily due to our aforementioned disdain towards CBS (see: Monday preview). Unless it seriously slips this season, you won’t go wrong with this show either.

Still Blacklisted: “Dancing with the Stars” (ABC). ABC shoves this shit even further down your throat on Tuesday nights. ‘Less is more’ is not a phrase TV execs are familiar with.

10:00 PM

What to watch: “Law & Order: SVU” (NBC) or “Boston Legal” (ABC). Once again, two more shows that you won’t find yourself looking forward to on a Tuesday afternoon, but are quality nonetheless. The best thing about both of these shows is that you don’t have to follow an ongoing plot with either of them. You can tune in at your own discretion. That, and when it comes to chicks over 35 on TV, we’d totally bite off a piece of Marishka Hartigay or Julie Bowen (right) if given the opportunity.

What’s defensible: “Cane” (CBS)**. This show has a shot at being decent. People will watch just about anything related to organized crime even if the subject matter isn’t properly represented on network television. What we don’t get from the few previews we’ve seen is how Jimmy Smits is supposed to be the young guy taking over the family business. Isn’t Smits like 80? He was older than shit when he was on “NYPD Blue”.

Whatever, we’ll be ogling Julie Bowen during this timeslot anyway.

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