We weren’t planning on theorizing about the NFL two weeks in a row, but the storylines floating around as we head into Week 2 are all but impossible to ignore.

Conspiracy Theory #1: Eli Manning is Scared Shitless of Jared Lorenzen

On Monday reports hit that Eli Manning might be sitting for at least a month due to a banged up shoulder. As of yesterday, he’s playing this weekend.

Why the quick 180? What happened? A miraculous recovery? Was Eli ever really injured? Is Chris Mortensen just at the point in his career where he feels he can make audacious claims and no one will call him on it?

Not quite. The truth is that the thought of Jared Lorenzen starting for the Giants makes Eli Manning want to crap his pants. Anyone who watched Lorenzen’s tubby ass play at Kentucky knows why. The guy is crazy endearing and possesses all the intangibles that Eli doesn’t.

What would you rather see? A big fat dude with surprisingly quick feet staying alive in the pocket and throwing strikes downfield OR Eli kicking dirt, making his ‘Someone Stole My SnackPack’ face after yet another unsuccessful third and long.

Our guess is that Eli wakes up in cold sweats from dreams where Lorenzen has taken over Matt Leinart’s role in the latest Manning family commercial. The Archie Manning line changed to “I always wanted a three hundred pounder.”

Eli would rather let his arm fall off his body than let Lorenzen see the field.

Conspiracy Theory #2: Bill Belichick Also Tapes Your Mom in the Shower and Sells Drugs To Kids

Bottom Line: Belichick is the devil. We’ve been aware for quite some time. Not sure why it took so long for everyone else to catch on.

Think about it. The guy A) Cheats at football, B) Is a notorious homewrecker, C) Makes his players believe they’ve found the promise land only to leave them to rot at the first sign of weakness, D) Dresses like a homeless person to throw off suspicion, F) Spawns minions (Nick Saban and Charlie Weis), and E) Does everything he can to tempt Football Jesus (aka Tom Brady) to the dark side on a daily basis.

Belichick’s soul is as black as coal. Decline any fruit he offers you.

Conspiracy Theory #3: Isiah Thomas Runs the Cleveland Browns

Maybe not openly, but in some shape or manner Isiah has a hand in the moves currently made by the Browns. It’s really the only explanation.

Only an Isiah Thomas run organization would adamantly stand by a quarterback (i.e. Charlie Fry) throughout the offseason, providing him with all the resources available and proclaiming him the starter, only to trade the guy–not bench, trade off the fucking roster–after one week and seven series of regular season play. And why? To impulsively replace him with every Browns’ fan’s favorite latent homosexual: Golden Boy, Brady Quinn.

No one else in professional sports is capable of this much flip-flopping and general idiotic overreaction. No one.

Isiah may not be on the payroll, but we guarantee that Browns’ GM Phil Savage has attended an Isiah Thomas seminar or was maybe hypnotized by Isiah at a dinner party. The “Aw, Fuck It” school of thought for GMs in professional sports only descends from one man.

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