I, the Married Guy, am completely freaking out right now. Total meltdown mode.

My buddy and his wife just told me and my wife that they’re having a kid.

That’s right, a kid. Not a puppy. Not a house plant. A fucking human being. Apparently they’ve laid off the pill for a few months and now my friend’s wife is going to shoot another mammal out of herself.

I don’t know what I’m more weirded out by. The fact that my buddy not only seems to be OK with this, but is acting as if this is some sort of miracle, like all kinds of trailer trash don’t knock each other up every day. OR, the fact that my wife got a creepy glimmer in her eye when they told us the news, like she’s been patiently waiting for someone to get the ball rolling and giver her some leverage.

Man this is a lot to take in. I can’t regulate my heart rate. Jesus, where to begin.

First, my buddy. I know he knows how to pull out. So despite his wife slacking on the pill, he could have avoided this. For not doing so, I am extremely disappointed in him. Having a kid. A kid?

He’s ruined things for everyone. Now they won’t want to do anything fun because she can’t drink. And when she can drink again (like a year from now?) they’ll have to hire babysitters or coerce the in-laws or some shit like that. What a nightmare. He’ll never be allowed to go grab a beer on a Tuesday night again. And you know all they’re going to want to do is talk about the little bastard. Ugh. What an asshole my friend is.

And then there’s MY wife. Where it really hits home. I know she’s going to want to jump in on this whole baby death parade. I can see the wheels turning. We always said we wouldn’t even talk about kids until we’re in our thirties. Now our friends have gone and royally fucked that up for me. I’m not even sure how much I like being married, let alone having kids.

Only about one out of every three babies I meet is cool. The other two suck. They’re either needy or crying or oozing shit everywhere. What if my kid can’t beat the odds and I get stuck with a crappy one? That will be painful.

Holy shit, I can’t even imagine how expensive that thing is going to be. Now I’m starting to get light headed. Too real. Too fast. Not ready. Life over. Should have traveled more. Should have relished in my single years. Should have killed my friend before he did me in first…

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