O.J. Simpson was released on 250K bail yesterday after being charged with 10 felonies, including kidnapping, all in association with an altercation in Vegas over sports memorabilia.

Posting bail appears to be one of the few things in O.J.’s life that The Real Killer hasn’t been capable of sabotaging.

In case you’re completely oblivious and haven’t been able to read through the lines of all the garbage the mainstream media feeds you, here’s what you need to know: The Real Killer has been attempting to ruin O.J.’s life for quite some time.

We’re not sure when The Real Killer became a fixture in O.J.’s life, or what The Real Killer’s true motivation is–outside of unadulterated evil, of course–but the remainder of this article will attempt to enlighten you.

O.J. was born in 1947 and his parents separated in 1952. Most theorists conjecture that 1952 is too early a date for The Real Killer to have been responsible for O.J.’s parents’ separation. We humbly disagree. The Real Killer is highly motivated and probably new of Mrs. Simpson’s penchant for scotch.

As a teenager, O.J. joined a gang called The Persian Warriors and had a few run-ins with the law. But once someone (The Real Killer?) firmly placed a football in O.J.’s hands, life began to turn the right direction. O.J. dominated high school football in San Fran and college football at USC, where he won the Heisman Trophy in 1968.

1968 represents two schools of thought when it comes to O.J. and The Real Killer.

The first school of thought is that The Real Killer was the person who introduced O.J. to football in hopes of elevating O.J. to greatness, only to destroy everything O.J. had accomplished.

The second school of thought is that The Real Killer first entered O.J.’s life in 1698. This theory assumes that The Real Killer became consumed with envy after O.J.’s Heisman win and vowed to spend the rest of his life sabotaging O.J. Some fringe theorists even hypothesize that The Real Killer may be former Purdue running back Leroy Keyes, Heisman runner-up in 1968. 

Regardless which school of thought you prescribe to, it’s clear that The Real Killer began seriously implementing his will on O.J.’s life after the ‘68 Heisman trophy. Here’s a rundown of O.J.’s life from 1968 to present.

• NFL Career. The Real Killer somehow ensured that Buffalo got the #1 pick in 1969, condemning O.J. to eight years in a city famous for chicken wings and women considered unattractive even by Canadian standards. O.J. did the best he could at Buffalo, making six Pro Bowls playing for a craptastic team, but the Bills never came closer than 2nd in their division during O.J.’s tenure. By 1977, O.J. claimed if he ever saw another chicken wing again he’d vomit. The Real Killer was certainly knowledgeable of O.J.’s previous love for wings.

• Acting Career. In the early 70’s, O.J. attempted to delve into acting as a way of forgetting he played for the Bills. The Real Killer clearly had a thumb on casting directors, ensuring O.J.’s acting career was comprised of only the shittiest of roles. One of the first times on record that O.J. clearly foiled The Real Killer’s plan was being cast as Nordberg in “The Naked Gun” in 1988. This was the highlight of both O.J.’s football and acting career.

• O.J. Murder Trial. We’re pretty sure we don’t have to explain The Real Killer’s involvement in this one. Most believe The Real Killer increased the stakes at this juncture in reaction to the success of ”The Naked Gun” trilogy. Luckily for the sake of our legal system, justice prevailed. The jury could not convict O.J. beyond a reasonable doubt.

• O.J. Civil Trial. Unable to mastermind a criminal conviction, The Real Killer pulled some strings and got a bogus civil settlement awarded against O.J. for the murders. The Real Killer’s motivation was clearly to cripple O.J. financially after the failure of his original plan. To the devastation of The Real Killer, O.J. was allowed to maintain his NFL pension.  

• Satellite Piracy. After laying low and scheming for several years, The Real Killer struck again in 2004 blackmailing O.J. for satellite piracy. O.J. was court ordered to settle with DirecTV for around 30K. The dollar amount was inconsequential, but The Real Killer succeeded in making O.J. look like an utter dipshit.

• Vegas Arrest. Now, The Real Killer, unsatisfied, has reappeared to once again tarnish O.J.’s already unsalvageable reputation. You would think The Real Killer would be satisfied with the damage inflicted to O.J. over the years, but you do not understand the mind of a sociopath. The Real Killer’s thirst is unquenchable.

From the looks of things The Real Killer will probably finally succeed in having O.J. behind bars and his public persona further cemented as one of the worst people ever to walk the planet. That is unless O.J. catches him first, which is highly unlikely seeing that The Real Killer is also responsible for O.J.’s Nick Nolte-like drinking problem.

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