By now you’re aware that Kiefer Sutherland got a DUI late Monday night/early Tuesday morning.

According to TMZ this is a) Kiefer’s second DUI in five years, b) Kiefer was almost double the legal limit, and c) Kiefer clocked in at 5′10″, 150 lbs at the L.A. police department.

A lot of things are probably going through your head right now. Things like: How could Kiefer be so irresponsible? What kind of example does this set for the kids? How tough is it to get a cab in L.A.? How many chardonnays do you have to drink to double the legal limit when you only weigh 150 fucking pounds?

Normally we wouldn’t do this, but with the mass hysteria created by this incident, we’re going to reveal a little secret: There is no Kiefer Sutherland.

Kiefer Sutherland is just another Jack Bauer cover identity. Bauer has been fronting himself as the actor for quite some time. His end game? We’re not completely sure.

We are sure that whatever it is it must be supremely important. He’s been pretending to be Kiefer for a long ass time. Just think of the web of lies that Bauer has had to maintain over the years to validate the Kiefer cover. It’s truly amazing. It makes Kayser Soze’s Verbal Kint cover look like something out of a Hardy Boys’ paperback.

To help clarify further, here’s a quick sample of things you believe to be true about Kiefer Sutherland that are all actually part of Bauer’s cover.

You believe: Kiefer Sutherland is Canadian.

But in reality: Jack Bauer’s blood exclusively pumps stars and stripes. Bauer has even executed several Canadians for referring to him as a “hoser”.

You believe: Kiefer Sutherland is 5′10″ in construction boots.

But in reality: The smallness is just another well-designed part of the cover. Jack Bauer is actually a manly (and American) 6′ 1 and 3/4″. Flat footed.

You believe: Kiefer Sutherland weighs 150 lbs.

But in reality: This is just another example of Jack Bauer’s intricate attention to detail. When he knows he is going to be weighed, Bauer wears baggy pants so he can drop the majority of his dong on the floor, hence lowering his official weight to 150 lbs.

You believe: Kiefer Sutherland is a degenerate alcoholic who can’t hold his liquor.

But in reality: Jack Bauer is a functioning alcoholic who purposely gets DUI’s so the public continues to perceive Kiefer as another dipshit Canadian. Bauer takes his coffee with bourbon and occasionally rufees himself to keep his system immune to toxins.

You believe: Kiefer Sutherland likes hockey.

But in reality: Jack Bauer would rather take a puck to the cock than attend another Kings’ game. Too bad he cannot sacrifice the Kiefer cover. In actuality, Bauer’s fantasy football team has won his 12-person league by a wide margin five out of the last four years.

You believe: Julia Roberts dumped Kiefer five days before they were supposed to get married.

But in reality: Jack Bauer gave Julia a cubic zirconium just so he could hit it.

There’s plenty more we could divulge, but doing so would jeopardize the fate of this country. Our goal here is simply to clue in our readers so they don’t get sucked into the hysteria. Use this information wisely.

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