The College Football Manifesto

• No team goes undefeated. Mark it down. LSU and USC definitely slip up and take a loss before the end of the season. Same goes for the remaining undefeated teams. 2007 lacks the dominate program to step up and run the table. National media types who prefer not to know anything about college football will find this atrocious. It won’t bother the rest of us that much. At least the playoff will sort it all out in the end. Wait a second…

• Top 3 is the new Top 10. For the remainder of the season numbers 4 thru 25 in the polls are going to be virtually interchangeable. Bragging rights will not be awarded for a #9 ranking this season. Get used to it.

• You’re team picked the right weekend to shit the bed. Has there ever been a better weekend to lose to an inferior opponent? Look to the person to your left. Now, look to the person to your right. One of these two people also vomited this weekend in reaction to their team’s performance. There really is something to be said for that whole misery loves company thing.

• South Florida doesn’t care that they’re actually in central Florida. Those geographically challenged bastards are here to win football games! Top Ten Bitch!

• Next person who makes the ‘Big East, Addition By Subtraction’ argument gets donkey-punched. We’ll be waiting outside the studios of “Around the Horn”.

On Notice: Air Force. Lose to Navy? Navy? You fly planes. They steer boats. Flying is the superior mode of transportation. That loss is unacceptable.

The NFL Manifesto

• Norv Turner could fuck up a wet dream. Even the most pessimistic of Charger fans couldn’t have anticipated this. Talk about a SOLT (Suck Out Loud Trifecta). An unthinkable 1-3 record. The decimation of fantasy teams across the nation. And a fourth quarter give-away to an offensively a football challenged Chiefs team. At what point do we ask if Norv is doing this on purpose?

• Child support payments are getting a little tougher to swallow. Seems to us like those checks weren’t that difficult to write when you’re the starting quarterback for the Arizona Cardinals. But when you’re Kurt and Brenda Warner’s backup, they become quite the gut-wrenching chore.

• Joey Harrington is intent on informing you he doesn’t suck. At this point in his career you’d think the Piano Man would have just accepted his fate of ineptitude. You’ve got to admire the guys’ persistent efforts to make us all think otherwise. His PR rep has informed us he’ll soon be going door to door during road games to let people know that it was actually Matt Millen, Charles Rogers, Mike Williams, Nick Saban, and the collective Lions’ and Dolphins’ O-Lines, Defenses, and Special Teams who were actually the ones doing the sucking.

• Tony Romo made the wish for more wishes.

• Culpepper’s 5 for 12 is better than your QB’s 5 for 12. Sure, the dude rushed for 3 touchdowns and announced to the crowd that his knee is “OK”, but it was his 42% passing for 75 yards that were the real “Suck It!” to Dolphins’ fans.

On Notice: The Vikings. You have one offensive skill player that couldn’t be replaced with a corpse and compile similar results, and you hand him the ball 12 times. Makes us want to puke.

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