I, the College Football Fan, am just beginning to feel only partially devastated. It’s been three days since we lost our first game. We played like utter dogshit. I didn’t get out of bed on Sunday. When I did get out of bed, I was an asshole.

But now it’s Wednesday and I haven’t told anyone to “go fuck themselves” in about five hours. That has to be a sign of improvement.

I’m such a silly bitch sometimes. I can be delusional. I printed out our schedule last week and was convinced that every single game would result in a W. What I didn’t realize at the time is how much we suck. I realize it now. We may never win another game in school history we suck so bad.

Just like last season, I got ahead of myself. I conveniently ignored our suckiness. I set myself up for failure. I only have myself to blame for the gaping whole in my existence right now.

Correction. I have myself, our head coach, our quarterback, the officiating crew, our O-line coach, Kirk Herbstreit, and our kicker to blame. Along with anyone within a ten yard radius of me. They are all in some way each individually responsible for the loss.

Dammit, our coach is a dipshit.

I’m going to re-watch the game tonight. My buddies have been telling me the refs robbed us. I suspect they’re right. Loser officials resent our tradition and general superiority. Man, I hate those fucking zebras. If they don’t completely bend us over on a few calls, we win that game. Assholes.

How can I even be angry with our coaches and players when the officials never let them get into a rhythm? It’s really unfair to them the more I think about it. And didn’t everyone lose last weekend? Didn’t I read on the Manifesto that no team would go undefeated?

Our team is soooo young. This was expected. Come to think of it, this loss was a good thing. Teach ‘em a lesson. Monkey off the back. Well timed wake-up call. All that shit.

We’re probably going to completely dominate the remaining teams on our schedule. Karma’s due to catch up with their cocksucker fanbases anyway. And the refs have to be looking to give us some breaks going forward after their collective debilitating retardedness last game.

Winning out isn’t unreasonable, right? This can happen. This will happen. Thirty point blowouts. Conference title game. Booking tickets for our BCS bowl. Probably get laid by some skank in a random city.

Things are about to start coming up College Football Fan. Dammit, I can’t wait for Saturday.

Email This