Isiah Thomas and the Knicks were found guilty of sexual harassment. There were plenty of media accounts throughout the week, so we’re not going to bore you with facts (because facts are often boring) and we aren’t interested in getting into the ‘what constitutes sexual harassment’ debate (because we’ve recently been harassed at a local gentlemen’s club and our wounds are still fresh).

Here’s what you need to know: Isiah did harass this chick, but he did it on purpose.

That’s right. On purpose. With a motive. Just not the same motive as that dude in your office who wears short sleeve dress shirts.

You see, since the beginning of time (or 1978, when Isiah started playing high profile hoops) basketball insiders have theorized that Isiah is a homosexual. When you look at the evidence, it’s difficult to argue:

1. Played for the Indiana Hoosiers.

2. Teammates with Dennis Rodman, Bill Laimbeer, and John Salley.

3. Habitually smiled while wearing nut-huggers.

4. Frequently kissed other dudes.

5. Overlooked for the ‘92 Dream Team.

All signs point to Isiah being a gay man.

You may have been under the impression that Isiah was left off the original Dream Team as a result of his bitter rivalry with Michael Jordan (initiated by the ‘85 All-Star game freeze-out). But Jordan actually made the power play to keep Isiah off the team because MJ is a giant homophobe.

So 15 years later–after successfully tarnishing his public image and brain-washing all MSG brass–what does Zeke do? He finally makes a power play of his own. He uses all resources available to him to convince the world he loves the poon.

Think about it. How much of an oblivious asshole dipshit do you have to be to be found guilty of sexual harassment nowadays. The time and effort alone is more than most of us could handle. Not to mention unearthing the one in a thousand litigious man-hater who would take matters this far. No way Isiah didn’t do this on purpose.

The $11.6 Million in damages was negligible to Isiah if it meant restoring his reputation for straightness. When it comes to talent evaluation and team chemistry, Isiah may be fucking clueless, but he’s the Bill Belichick of meticulously orchestrated schemes to prove one’s sexuality.

And just watch, now that he’s facing all this adversity, everything’s going to start coming up Zeke. The balls already rolling. His players like him more. They think he took a bad beat. Sports fans who’ve enjoyed the grease-fire that has been Isiah’s tenure with the Knicks now sympathize with the guy because they didn’t want to see him go out like this.

His past bonehead transgressions will be swept under the rug by the people that matter in no time. A public embrace with MJ may even be in the cards.

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