I, the Single Guy, am going on a blind date. I know, I know, this totally does not sound like something I would do, but I figure any chick willing to go on a blind date has to be starving for some attention and will probably put out if I can fake her into thinking I’m husband potential.

Translated: the blind date could be a solid mechanism for me to get laid on a Wednesday night. And even if it totally backfires at least I can get my buddy’s wife to shut the fuck up about setting me up with her friends.

I’ve already had three beers and am polishing off my fourth when I get to the chick’s place. Her initial answer of the door is the make or break point of this whole thing. If she’s moderately attractive it’s a go. If she’s heinous I may have to fake a herpes outbreak. That should scare her off from trying to take a rain check. My buddy’s wife described her as “pretty with a great personality”. That has the potential to translate to chubby and laughs a lot. All that should be cleared up in the next few seconds.

She takes like two minutes to open the door. It pisses me off but I decide to let it go. I can’t remember if her name is Laura or Lauren or something else that starts with an L. She says it, but I’m too busy checking out her form to hear her. Extremely mediocre face with a nice front court.

Yeah, this could work.

I take her to a five star steak joint because I’m kind of a baller. I valet my car for the same reason. She talks a lot during dinner so I take down more than my share of two bottles of red wine and keep asking her to “Tell me more”.

She keeps telling me about her family like I care. She barely touches her filet. Her college boyfriend comes up more than once. She mispronounces the name of the restaurant. And she does this weird exhale thing every time she finishes drinking something. Halfway through dinner a second date is completely out of the question unless I discover in the next three hours that she’s an absolute terror in the bedroom.

We get back to her place and I walk her to her door. When she doesn’t invite me in I ask if she wants to hang out a little longer. She says some garbage about having to work tomorrow. I give her a look to remind her I’d be doing her a favor.

After she goes inside I call her skank and say something about how it’s obvious why she’s still single. I’m pretty sure she hears me.

I immediately call my buddy to tell him and his wife what an ugly prude Laura or Lauren is. They tell me her name is Amanda. I tell them she sucks. Her name has no bearing on what an ugly prude she is.

Email This