The College Football Manifesto

• Jim Harbaugh = Bizarro Hannibal Lecter. After two years of making inane and slightly retarded comments to the media with regards to Pete Carroll and the USC program, Jim Harbaugh and the Trees beat a 40 point favorite USC team in L.A. with a new starting quarterback. The only explanation is that Carroll couldn’t coach properly because he was so distracted by what a raging jackass Harbaugh is. Harbaugh’s plan worked to perfection.

• Les Miles’s balls are bigger than your coaches. In a season where pussified coaches continue to kick 52-yard field goals and play not to lose, Miles makes it happen on fourth down and plays for the W. How refreshing. Call your own coach a homo the next time you see him.

• Phil Fulmer is an ass magician. The win he pulled out of his ass on Saturday would have  mystified David Blaine.

• Correction: The Top 2 is the new Top 10. Has there ever been a more uninspiring top 3 team than Ohio State? Mediocre wins. Throwing numerous picks to shitty defenses. Sweater vests. Ugh.

On Notice: Colt Brennan. You ARE NOT allowed to arrogantly toss touchdown passes at will while sporting punk rock haircuts AND have glass ankles. It’s one or the other, Colt. One or the other.

The NFL Manifesto

• Trent Green has a plan. Step 1: Get signed by crappy team. Step 2: Win starting job for crappy team. Step 3: When crappy team is about to go 0-5, throw self in front of mountain of man running at high speed to end career yet maintain tough guy persona. Step 4: Set up direct deposit. Step 5: Retire.

• Leinart fakes injury after beer tears. Leinart’s collarbone injury seems pretty convenient after last week’s drunken interview confession that he wants his team to “ride or die with him”. Here’s a solid rule to live by: Hide your ass for at least three weeks after drinking too much chardonnay and contracting verbal diarrhea.

• The Patriots will cover a 30 point spread. In the aftermath of Belichick owning up to a lameass brand of cheating, Bill has decided that playing ATS is the only fair way for a Patriots’ win to count as a win. His own self imposed punishment. Consequently, the Pats are still 5-0 and Tom Brady still has sex with supermodels.

• Byron Leftwich is a slower, fatter version of Joey Harrington. With his O-Line completely crumbling during in the 4th quarter, Bobby Petrino made the only coaching decision he could.

On Notice: Larry Johnson, Herm Edwards, and the Kansas City Chiefs. Decimating fantasy teams one three and out at a time.

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