Search For A NFL Handicapper: Week 5 - The Results Show
October 9th, 2007 by NextRound
Huge week for Team Cool & Tough in the NFL. We dominated. Hookers on us.
We went 1-1 in 2 unit picks and 2-1 in 1 unit picks for a massive +.8. We have never had such a rager. Look out Vegas, we are about to get hot.
Serious Gangsta Props of the Week go to Jeff the Man for coming strong with a 2-0 week. Since both picks were 2 uniters, he’s catapulted himself to the top of the leader board with +3.8 units overall. That dude is so getting laid this week.
Ridiculous Point in Your Face and Laugh Like a Hyena Massive Call Out of the Week is a tie!
1. Mike Oxbig – Mike told us he personally doesn’t like our “gay little pick ‘em format” and then went 4-10 overall. That totals out to a mindnumbing -7 units. Here’s to hoping Ass Master isn’t this guy’s full time job.
2. The Juice – The Juice wasn’t scared to show back up Sunday night after a rough weekend and get clobbered in the recovery game. Didn’t work out, but we like his style. -8.9 units. Ouch.
We’re still a few weeks before we declare a winner so keep submitting in the comment section of this post or the Friday post. We’ll accept entries up until kickoff.
Notes on results: Standard text identifies this week’s results. Bold identifies overall results. A single asterisk (*) identifies a contestant who didn’t participate this week. Two asterisks (**) identify a new contestant.
Now for the results…
NextRound’s Results
2 Unit: 1-1, 1 Unit: 2-1, Net: +.8; 2 Unit: 1-1, 1 Unit: 4-7, Net: -3.5 units
Leaders (in order of overwhelming awesomeness)
1) Jeff the Man, 2 unit: 2-0, Net: +4.0 units; 2 unit: 3-1, Net: +3.8 units
2) Boruboru, 2 unit: 1-0-1, 1 unit: 0-2, Net: -.2 units; 2 unit: 2-0-2, 1 unit: 3-4 ,Net: + 2.6 units
3) Rob, 3 unit: 0-1, 2 unit: 2-0, 1 unit: 0-1-1 Net: -0.4 units; 3 unit: 0-1, 2 unit: 4-0, 1 unit: 2-5-1, Net: +1.2 units
4) Armand*, 1 Unit: 3-2, Overall: +.8 units
5) Charez, 2 unit: 1-2, Net: -2.2 units; 2 unit: 3-2, 1 unit: 1-2, Net: + .6 units
Losers (in reverse order of crippling mushability)
6) Devine*, 1 unit: 1-2, Net: -1.1 units
7) RBV**, 2 unit: 0-1, 1 unit 1-0, Net: -1.2
8 ) Beantown brawler**, 1 unit: 2-3, Net: -1.3 units
9) Spiz*, 2 unit: 1-0, 1 unit: 0-3, Net: -1.3 units
10) ZacHawney*, 2 unit: 1-1, 1 unit: 2-3, Net: -1.5 units
11) H-Mans Entourage*, 1 unit: 0-2-1, Net: -2.2 units
12) Toast*, 1 unit: 0-2-1, Net: -2.2 units
13) Maestro*, 1 unit: 1-3-1, Net: -2.3 units
14) Rick, 1 unit: 1-2, Net: -1.1 units; 1 unit: 3-5, Net: -2.5 units
15) Pantsman*, 3 unit 0-2, 2 unit: 1-0, 1 unit: 2-0-1, Net: -2.6 units
16) no1nole28*, 1 unit: 0-3, Net: -3.3 units
17) AJ, 1 unit: 0-3, Net: -3.3 units; 1 unit: 1-4, Net: -3.4 units
18) Cope*, 2 unit: 0-1, 1 unit: 0-2-1, Net: -4.4 units
19) Jesse*, 1 unit: 2-6, Net: -4.6 units
20) ConsiderMeMilesDavis, 2 unit: 0-1, 1 unit, 1-3, Net: - 4.5; 2 unit: 1-1, 1 unit: 2-6, Net: -4.8 units
21) Mike Oxbig**, 1 unit: 4-10, Net: -7 units
22) Juice, 3 unit: 0-1, 2 unit: 0-2-1, 1 unit: 1-2, Net: -8.9 units; 3 unit: 0-1, 2 unit: 0-4-1, 1 unit: 3-3, Net: -12.4 units
Russ, we couldn’t decipher which teams you wanted to wager on so we had to count you out this week. We think you may have gone 1-5-1 so it may be for the best.
UPDATE: We’ve revised Mike “Ass Hat” Oxbig’s score to reflect a 4-10 weekend instead of a 3-11 weekend.
Bowl Picks:
Overall Record: 9-11 (3 Unit), 8-6 (2 Unit), 7-1 (1 Unit), -2.7 Units
October 10th, 2007 at 10:19 am
Beatoff sausage:
Cinci -3 3 units
Redskins +3 2 units
Pats -5.5 1 unit
Jets +3 1 unit
YOUR WELCOME!!
October 10th, 2007 at 7:51 pm
First off douchebag, last time I checked, CAR +3.5, NE -16.5, JAX -2.5, and SF +3.5 equaled 4 ATS wins, not 3.
Now, let’s get a few things straight: after going 13-3 and 9-5 ATS in the two weeks prior, documented:
link:
http://contest.linkrd.com/cgi-bin/vip-fbspr07_vip/portfolio.cgi
I used the very same system to go 4-10 last week. And the only reason I went 4-10 instead of 10-4 is because the system I used did not take into account that the planet Mercury began to enter its “retrograde” phase, thus being the direct result all kinds of fucked up disruptions here on earth, especially concerning sporting events (sup USC?) and ATS results.
Now that I have added a few algorithms to my system to account for said disruptive celestial event, the rest of you losers are about to get an ATS ass waxing of biblical proportions.
P.S. Your unit system is still infinitely gay, so I will be picking all games this week as well. All one unit.
KC +3.5
JAX -6.5
CLE -4
CHI -5
NYJ +3.5
STL +10
TEN +3.5
WAS +3.5
CAR +3.5
NE -4
OAK +10.5
NO +7.5
NYG -3
Fuck you and your retrograde, Mercury.
October 11th, 2007 at 7:00 am
Dear Mike Oxbig,
We’ve updated the results to reflect you going -7 instead of -8.1 last week. Our apologies. Congrats on your newly revised stellar weekend.
And while we’re at it, congrats on the use of algorithms and the inability to find a girl who will touch your penis.
Good luck this week. We’re rooting for you. We’re confident you’ll right the ship.
-Management
October 11th, 2007 at 8:08 am
hey Mike, nice system. Steven Hawking thinks youre a dork.
October 11th, 2007 at 9:17 am
Management,
If you only knew the wool I’ve been splitting… When one of you successfully hits on a hot chick that you’ve never met during a commercial flight and proceeds to bang her in the airport bathroom less than an hour after knowing her, then come talk to me. Until then, bow to the ATS ass kicking that awaits you Sunday.
Otis,
I’m guessing you sent that stellar reply from either a Chinese dry cleaner, an oriental buffet, or your local Comcast office. Either way, Hawking thinks I’m a dork because the poor quad got his ass handed to him by me in the Hilton SuperBook ATS football contest back in 2004. Let it go Steve.
October 11th, 2007 at 9:23 am
Airport Bathroom huh. Didnt you think it was weird that “she” had a prominent adams apple and made you call “her” Senator Craig?
October 11th, 2007 at 9:26 am
Gettin’ off is gettin’ off.
October 11th, 2007 at 3:06 pm
Geez, who is this Ox-big guy? I don’t even know what the hell you are talking about. This is Football son. Quit actin so damn queer. Are you a “trekky”? Do you make your picks based off how many GI Joes you can balance on your Dungeons and Dragons playing cards?
October 11th, 2007 at 5:12 pm
where is oxbig getting his lines?
October 11th, 2007 at 5:36 pm
A note to Management, my 1,000 Unit Play Of The Millennium is for Mike Oxbig to lay the 157.5 point spread over diddy.
Can’t say that I’m surprised that I’m talking football, gambling, and poon, and some Dungeons and Dragons dork confuses it with his repressed fantasies of playing the skin flute at the next gamers convention. Nice of you to expose your knowledge of D & D with your “cards” reference. What’s next? You gonna school me with some “Magic: The Gathering” tripe? You sure are one stone cold gansta.
Now go back to sucking on your Mr. Sulu themed inhaler and shut your cock holster, douchey.
October 11th, 2007 at 5:39 pm
Rob,
I get my lines from vip sports when they release them on Monday. I like to hammer them when they are still soft.
October 11th, 2007 at 6:27 pm
What a douchebag.
October 11th, 2007 at 9:15 pm
post the lines that are up when you post your picks
October 12th, 2007 at 10:18 am
Since I do my handicapping on Monday, I always use the opening lines. Since I have a life, I’ll post my picks when I get around to it. This is the second time I’ve had to post this because my posts are being deleted. A board of communists. How nice.
October 12th, 2007 at 12:04 pm
When you say “have a life”, you mean cruising the mall for high school chicks, right?
October 12th, 2007 at 12:10 pm
no JB, he means high school GUYS. Get it right. Mike likes to have a good head start before Prom Season rolls around.
October 12th, 2007 at 12:31 pm
I sit in absolute amazement. I did not think it was possible for OX to write or come off as anymore gay than his earlier “work” but I give it to ya, you are a complete WANKER.
Wow Ox you got me man all you said was true, you are one cool customer. I apologize, really cause I do not want you to get your boys(13 asian hackers) to screw with my bank account or anything.
You must really have an awesome life because you have to keep talking about how cool it is every other sentence. Those that “are” cool and tough don’t talk about it in ever sentence.
So tell your mom to send you another plate of pizza bites down into the basement, oops I am sorry ” the man cave” and keep em coming. I do not get my feathers ruffeled by geeks, sorry OX. I do not have the time to keep completley dominating you without effort. So this will be my last domination.
“The Nerd Taxi” is your new name, I am changing it for you since you don’t have much free time from all the cool stuff you do. You keep Mercury and Banging all the hot chicks in the bathrooms at the airport on lock. I am sure that takes up all your time anyway Sport. I just can’t stand to read such Geeky shit. I guess there goes the neighborhood. Focker Out
October 12th, 2007 at 1:51 pm
Panthers @ Cards (-4.5) — 3 UNITS
Bengals @ Chiefs (+3) — 2 UNITS
Skins (+3) @ Packers — 2 UNITS
Dolphins @ Browns (O45) — 1 UNIT
Titans (+3) @ Bucs — 1 UNIT
Pats (-6) @ Cowboys — 1 UNIT
Giants (-3.5) @ Falcons — 1 UNIT