Normally on Monday morning our readers get to enjoy the Monday Manifesto, but this week Nextround Nation is in for a special treat.

Maske went out of town this weekend, so he asked me to house sit while he is gone. I didn’t feel like writing the Monday Manifesto, so this is what you are stuck with this Monday morning. The following is a running diary of my Saturday:

11:00 – Arrive at the Maske household w/ Big Slim – Despite having a solid Chick-fil-a breakfast in tow, we immediately rummage through the house to see what supplies have been left behind. Kitchen contents:

(1) 12 pack of beer – Miller Lite
(4) 12 packs of assorted soft drinks
(2) Frozen Pepperoni Pizzas – Freshchetta Brand
(multiple) Hot pockets & Chips

11:37 – 1st beer opened…

12:00 – 2nd beer opened… Miami & Georgia Tech kickoff – we were going to watch Illinois v. Iowa but the chick announcer is calling that game. We hate her.

12:22 – 3rd beer opened…

12:51 – This game is boring… Big Slim gets another round from the fridge & he discovers a bottle of champagne. (4th beer opened)

1:06 – Maske has direct TV but he doesn’t subscribe to ESPN U, so we can’t watch the Central Florida/ South Florida game… Dagger. We decide it is time to throw a frozen pizza in the oven.

1:28 – We discover Maske has the TVG channel. TVG is the horse racing channel that shows different races from all around the world. The next race is being televised from Belmont, this is an omen.

1:33 – We decide to bet on the long shot Mr. Bogart at 19/1 to show.

1:35 – They’re off… Mr. Bogart settles in third position… looking good… wait, on the back stretch every horse is passing her like she is a parked car.

Big Slim: “What happened, did she pull a hammy or something?”

1:45 – 5th Beer - Big Slim: “We don’t have enough Beer.”

1:49 – Pizza out of the oven… I am pleased.

1:52 – Oklahoma St. goes up 31-0. The next race at Belmont starts in 10 minutes:

Here are the Horses for the 3rd Race:

Giant Deputy 8/1
FeastorFamine 6/5
Green Monkey 5/2
Joppa Flats 3/1
Falcon Trace 10/1
Putnam County 10/1
Holla Bend 15/1

2:02 – We’re taking Green Monkey to win. They’re off… Green Monkey is running first early…back to second on the turn… Green Monkey is falling apart, dropping, dropping, NOOOOOOO… Giant Deputy wins by 3 lengths, Green Monkey finishes 4th.

2:06 - Me: “Maybe it’s not our day.”
Big Slim: “Let me keep drinking, I’ll pick winners.”

2:15 – 6th Beer… Iowa goes up on Illinois 10-6… we might have to listen to that whiny bitch announcer for ESPN 2 call the 4th quarter of the game. We analogize the situation to hooking up w/ a fat chick. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

2:23 – Reinforcements arrive w/ more beer. Big Slim and I don’t have to leave the couch. This is awesome.

2:26 – 4th Race at Belmont about to start:

Here are the Horses:

Bailero 8/1
Raceland 7/2
Privy Seal 10/1
Sweet Grass Creek 6/1
Unigold 6/1
Wood Winner 10/1

2:28 – We decide to take both Unigold and Wood Winner to win, hoping that one of the two of them can pull the upset.

Big Slim has an epiphany: “When we randomly hook up with a girl, from now on we will refer to her as the Wood Winner.”

They’re off…We are in the back, still in the back, this is over… wait a second, Unigold is charging like a bat of hell, go, go, go… Unigold loses by a nose in a photo finish… FUCK!

2:38 – 7th Beer opened… dropped, dagger! 8th beer opened.

2:46 – Erin Andrews gives a sideline anecdote; how does this girl constantly look like a piece of ass while maintaining that travel schedule? Do you think she likes slightly chubby guys who run websites from their couch?

2:54 – Iowa beats Illinois – does anyone out there give a shit?

3:01- Another Race – no time to list all the horses. We are backing Marsiellaise at 3/1 to win. We are taking Victory Assured at 10/1 to show. And, we are taking Marsiellaise, Poker God, and Victory Assured in a trifecta. You can tell we have been drinking.

3:05 – 9th Beer opened… This is a turf race (grass) coming up.

3:15 – I’m glad that I forgot to chronicle that race because we sucked. Our three horses finished the in last three spots. We are pathetic.

Big Slim has decided on a new handicapping technique: “When I pick a horse don’t read me anymore names.”

3:20 – Big Slim: “When is the next race?”
Me: “Not until 3:35.”
Big Slim: “We can’t bet the ponies with LSU/Kentucky, Notre Dame/BC, & UNC/S.Carolina coming up.”
Me: “Thank god, my sportsbook account has taken a beating.”

3:25 – Big Slim tries to change the channel to Fox Sports North – Maske doesn’t get the Fox Sports Package…

Me: “Fuck, what a cocksucker, Maske invites me over and he doesn’t have all these channels. I thought I was coming to the haven of college football. This blows.”

3:30 - Big Slim: “Paul Maguire looks like a raging alcoholic, I want to party with that guy.”

Me: “WTF, we are getting Penn St./Wisconsin instead of UNC/S.Carolina. Direct TV can suck my balls, all it has done for me today is cost me money.”

3:42 – Coffee table Update - At this point on Maske’s coffee table:

(6) Empty Miller Lites
(2) Empty bags of chips – Sun Chips & Tostitos
(1) Empty Diet Dr. Pepper
(1) Empty Bottle of Water
(3) Cell Phones
(2) Plates w/ pizza crust
(1) Empty Chick Filet Cup
(1) Roll Paper Towels
(1) Box of cookies – half eaten

3:54 – Big Slim passes out with an empty Miller Lite in one hand and a half drunk bud light in the other… I wonder if he is going to spill anything on Maske’s couch.

4:15 – With 5:45 left in the 1st Quarter Boston College goes for it on 4th & 9 on the Notre Dame 25. They don’t get the 1st down. I don’t understand that call, I guess BC is thinking that playing Notre Dame is like a scrimmage, you try things you normally wouldn’t do.

4:38 – God must be unleashing his furry on Laramie, Wyoming. The Wyoming game is still delayed.

Big Slim: “I wish Maske had a hot tub, but then it would be weird, just me sitting in a hot tub. I’m ready to start picking horses again.”
Me: “Huh.”

4:43 – Me: “Alright here are the names of the horses in the next race:

Democrat Taxes
Easy Profit
School Girl…”

Big Slim: “School Girl, done.”

School Girl is 3:1

4:47 – 3 way photo finish – we are one of the horses.

4:54 – We came 3rd in the photo finish. School girl is a little slut.

Big Slim: “Give me another beer, I am getting closer.”
Me: “I just realized I have completely lost track of the beer count.”
Big Slim: “What all can you mix champagne with?”
Me: “I thought we were saving the Champagne for when we actually won a bet on a horse?”

5:09 – Big Slim: “Booth, I only have 3 months to complete my New Year’s resolutions.”
Me: “What are they?”
Big Slim: “To start smoking & take up skateboarding, I wonder if Maske has a skateboard.”
Me: “Huh.”

5:20 – Big Slim: “That show ‘Private Practice’ isn’t that bad.”
Me: “Huh”
Big Slim: “I think I am blacked out.”

5:26 – Me: “Alright Big Slim, you ready to pick a winner?”
Big Slim: “Give’em to me, let’s pick some ponies.”

5:30 – We are taking MEETINGWITHDESTINY at 4/1 to win and El Legado to show at 10/1. God I hope we finally hit something.

A miracle. El Legado ran third. Don’t worry, MEETINGWITHDESTINY was no where to be found.

Me: “Get out the champagne.”
Big Slim: “Damn Right.”

5:43 – Big Slim: “Booth, Notre Dame is playing kind of like your job search – inept offense, good defense.”

5:49 – Champagne is flowing…

6:12 – Notre Dame runs an interception back for a TD to make the score 20-14. I am furious with Matt Ryan, the only way to calm down is to gamble more money…

I put in a 7 game parlay:

Colorado St. -3
Louisville +10
Tulane +3
New Mexico St./La Tech Over 50
Arkansas -3
Colorado +7 ½
Washington +11

6:18 – Just as I confirm the bet – BC scores a TD. I am disappointed in myself for placing the “drunk gambler” multiple team parlay.

6:57 – Everything is getting hazy, Big Slim & I think it is a good time to go out. Girls should be very impressed by how much we drank today…

7:02 – Time to leave Maske’s house and head downtown. Always good to make it downtown with the sun still up…

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