Engagement parties should be outlawed. An engagement party on a Saturday night during football season is just down right mean.

We thought long and hard about how we could get engagement parties (and couple showers, and anniversaries, and Valentines Day) abolished. Unfortunately, we failed. Mostly because we didn’t really try all that long and hard.

But just because we can’t order beheadings for throwing awkward events, that doesn’t mean we can’t help you make the best of it. Here’s how to prepare for an engagement party:

THE GOAL: Put yourself in a position to spend the least amount of time possible at a gut-wrenchingly horrendous social gathering.

Step 1: Start drinking early. Way before noon. Somewhere around 10 AM. Don’t mess around either. Hit it hard. You’re going to need the appropriate buzz to survive the day.

Step 2 : Meet up with the dudes. Around noon meet up with all your buddies at a sports bar to watch football and split buckets of beers. Make sure all the other poor bastards that have to attend the engagement “party” are there with you.

Step 3: Make relentless fun of the guy who can’t meet up. Inevitably, one of your buddies who also has to attend the engagement party will be forbidden by his significant other from drinking beers during the day with his friends (aka Your Buddy That Pees Sitting Down). Throughout the day incessantly talk about what a little bitch the guy is, preferably so that he and his girlfriend/wife hear about it. It’s called constructive criticism.

Step 4: Load up at lunch. Remember, you are most likely going to be stuck nibbling on crab cakes or tartar or some other unfilling hors d’oeuvres at the party. Unless you have as little tact as Booth you’re probably going to feel weird about shoving your face directly into a platter of finger sandwiches. (Who invented eating standing up while socializing anyway? That guy was an asshole.)

Bottom line: pig the fuck out at lunch. Start with wings, lots of wings; lots of wings and lots of ranch and bleu cheese. From there, go big, go greasy, get the side of fries, and if it can be topped with cheese, don’t hesitate.

Not only will you not go hungry later, but if you do give a shit about what your date thinks about you, the lunch should sober you up a touch.

Step 5: Meet your date early. At least an hour early.

We know what you’re thinking: Couldn’t I spend that time drinking with my buddies?

You could, but trust us. This is the way to go. You meet her early and you’ll establish some goodwill. You’ll also put yourself in a position to encourage her to start drinking, preferably wine or spirits.

Besides, she’ll be spending the majority of her time in the bathroom (makeup, hair, all that crap), so you can spend the majority of your time on the couch, watching games and occasionally topping off her beverage.

And don’t forget to grease her up with compliments. Completely sell out. Remember, the goal is to spend the least amount of time in the threshold of hell as possible.

Getting her drunk and lathered up with praise creates a lot of options. A) She might get sick. B) She might feel sorry for you when she sees you’re bored shitless at the party and be willing to leave early. Or C) She might enter that perfect state of intoxication and well-received flattery, and decide she wants to catch an early train to Poundtown (this is the rare trifecta, bravo to any man who pulls this off).

Part II Coming Soon…

Next Up: How to Act at an Engagement Party.

Just remember, we’re always here, working for the greater good.

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