You’re fantasy team probably sucks. And it’s probably because of one of these guys.

5) Steven Jackson

You got cute and picked Jackson over Larry Johnson and Joe Addai and patted yourself on the back for how clever and insightful you were. You just knew the NFC West was ripe for the taking and that Jackson was going to lead the Rams and your fantasy team to the promise land.

Now the Rams are 0-7 after getting pasted by a less than mediocre Seahawks team, their coach looks like he may burst into tears at any moment, and Steven Jackson hasn’t touched the field since Week 3.

You’re not supposed to fault a guy for an injury, but you have a hunch that if the Rams didn’t have a goose egg in the win column, and Orlando Pace wasn’t out for the year, Jackson might be a bit more motivated to rub some dirt on his achy groin and get back in the lineup.

Jackson’s Reaction to his #5 Ranking: “Man, gettin’ hit by mutha fuckas is lot more fuckin’ painful than I make it look in my ‘Last of the Mohicans’ commercial.”

4) Laurence Maroney

You can’t take a shit without hearing about how utterly dominate the Patriots’ offense is. Each time you find yourself wishing a venereal disease on Laurence Maroney a little bit more.

Sure, he’s been banged up, but what’s it take to get in the end zone for the Patriots? A pulse? Hasn’t Sammy ‘Effing’ Morris scored like three times? Were pretty sure Gisele’s gotten into the end zone at least once. How many times has Maroney scored? Zero? Zero?! ZERO GD TOUCHDOWNS AND HE’S PLAYS FOR THE PATRIOTS?!

Maroney’s Reaction to his #4 Ranking: “You think I can get more for a Super Bowl ring on EBay or just knocking on the door of one of those rich dudes that buys home run baseballs?”

3) Larry Johnson

You knew LJ was going to suck this season. You knew it. All the signs were there. Too many carries last year. Hold out. Shitty attitude. Damon Huard.

LJ’s pouty ass would be #1 on your list if he hadn’t decided to show up the last two weeks. You’re still pretty sure he’s never going for better than 110 yards and a touchdown in any game this season, though.

You could have drafted Adrian Peterson like three rounds later and be reaping the benefits right now. And that draft pick comes with a free erection every Sunday.

LJ’s Reaction to his #3 Ranking: “This has nothing to do with my rapping ability, right?”

2) Drew Brees

You were always skeptical of Brees. He’s short, with a mediocre arm and mole that any normal human being would have had removed in their formidable years. But you’d heard the rumor that an alien life form commandeered his body three years ago, and you started to believe it. His play over the last few seasons made it difficult to deny the theory.

Unfortunately for you the extraterrestrial clearly had his fill of New Orleans and moved on to greener pastures.

Brees’s Reaction to his #2 Ranking: “Alien, what alien? Why am I in New Orleans? I thought I lived in San Diego. Reggie Bush? I thought he played for Souther Cal. What year is it? Who’s kids are those?”

1) Shaun Alexander

Only you and the people of Seattle realize what a fat, no-running tub of goo Shaun Alexander has become over the last year. Dude might as well attach a dual beer dispenser to his helmet and have the Seahawk trainers place a La-Z-Boy with a side fridge on the sideline. He’s officially a waste of space.

Alexander’s Reaction to his #1 Ranking: “This doesn’t negatively affect my guaranteed money does it? No? Then who gives a shit? Want a bite of my funnel cake? Damn tasty.”

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