We really don’t get our rocks off on trashing magicians, really we don’t. As far as we’re concerned when you’re a magician every day is a punch in the face.

But have you heard this shit about David Copperfield?

You probably saw the story and glossed over it because A) the headline included the name ‘David Copperfield’ and B) you assumed the only newsworthy item involving David Copperfield was that Lance Bass finally talked him into coming out of the closet.

Well, that was our thought process anyway. Then we needed to punch someone in the face today so we dug a little deeper.

Here’s what you need to know:

• The FBI raided Copperfield’s Vegas warehouse, confiscating digital equipment and $2 million cash.
• Copperfield is apparently notorious for pulling the Magic Johnson Maneuver during his show, picking out women in the audience for his assistants to confront about a bone session.
• He gets his assistants (snicker, magician’s assistant) to video tape the chosen females under the pretense that they might be used in a future “magic” show and ask them not-at-all-shady questions like “What’s your favorite men’s cologne?”
• Copperfield then attempts to set up a bone session with the chicks he likes most.
• One girl is now saying he sexually assaulted her in the Bahamas.
• The 2 mil in the warehouse is thought to be payoff money for the chick claiming sexual assault.
• Apparently there are chicks out there who will sleep with magicians.

What we don’t understand is how this so called “illusionist” didn’t make the 2 mil vanish before the FBI showed up. What’s the point of knowing magic if you don’t use it in clutch situations? Copperfield could have at least waived his wand and left all the FBI agents standing in their boxers. That would have probably bought him some time.

And isn’t this all a lot of work to close a little tail? Note to Copperfield: Vegas prostitutes do not charge $2 million an hour.

Unless, of course, this entire fiasco is just the penultimate “illusion” of Copperfield’s career: convincing the world he’s not into dudes.

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