When we tell our friends we’re excited the NBA is cranking back up, they usually look at us like we just offered to help them take a shit.

Their problem with the NBA always hinges on not being able to relate to the league or its players. Well, we’re here to fix that.
You want relatable, we’ll give you relatable: a bunch of old-fashioned homegrown white dudes who can ball with the best of them.

5) Brad Miller

Actually, Brad Miller is kind of a douchebag. He rocks corn rows. That’s pretty much indefensible. And he might have the least physical game of any center in the league. Yao Ming is more physical.

Brad Miller doesn’t help our relatability argument at all now that we think about it. Shit.

Miller’s Reaction to his #5 ranking: “I’m not black?”

4) Luke Walton

Luke Walton gets props because he grew up with a tee-pee in his back yard. That’s totally boss.

That this dude survived a childhood with a father who encourages the use of psychedelic drugs is impressive in and of itself. That he actually starts for an NBA squad on top of that is mind-boggling. We know a few guys that experimented in a similar fashion at a young age, and believe us, they did not turn out to be professional athletes.

Walton’s Reaction to his #4 ranking: “In LA, chicks know my dong as The Peace Pipe.”

3) Mike Miller

Did you know that Mike Miller is on our current version of the Dream Team? Weird, huh? Don’t worry, he doesn’t play much. He does have super sweet jump shot though.

He would be much on higher on our list, but any dude that wears a middle school girl’s headband during NBA games isn’t surpassing a #3 ranking. Here’s to hoping he’s dedicating this look to a leukemia patient or something.

Miller’s Reaction to his #3 ranking: “Man, playing in Memphis SUUUUUUUKS.”

2) Kirk Heinrich

Probably the only non tongue-and-cheek name on this list. He’s the only dude in this category with the ability to dominate a game. He may even make an All-Star game someday.

Heinrich’s Reaction to his #2 ranking: “I’m on a list with Brad AND Mike Miller? Have you seen those guys’ hair?”

1) Brent Barry

The guy won a slam dunk competition a decade ago. A slam dunk competition!

He gets ranked #1 out of default for that accomplishment.

It’s even extra baffling when you consider today Barry plays offense like he’s Superman and everywhere inside the three point line is kryptonite. He’s essentially Steve Kerr with slam dunk champion on his resume.

Barry’s Reaction to his #1 Ranking: “So, this means I’m like the black guy of white NBA players?”

Honorable Mention: Jason Williams

When White Chocolate played for the Sacramento Kings, he was hands down the most intriguing player in the NBA. In college, we used to make a point to watch every nationally televised Kings’ game.

What a disappointment. Now the guy’s just a serviceable point guard who talks like Justin Timberlake and wears his hats somewhere between forward and sideways.

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