Lance Armstrong’s impressive list of accomplishments includes:

• Outbiking a bunch of ugly French dudes a million times in a row.

• Bitch slapping testicular cancer.

• Achieving international fame and divorcing his devoted wife in order to test the free poon market.

• Exempting any public scrutiny over divorce because of the cancer thing.

• Mind-fucking the French biking authority and never letting them nail down any substantial evidence of performance enhancing drug use. (Something that douchebag Landis couldn’t figure out.)

• Dating Sheryl Crow just long enough to tap it on a regular basis, then calling it off when her age started to really show.

• Devoting an entire summer in LA to tag-teaming aspiring actresses with Matthew McConaughey.

• Achieving life long fantasy of humping an Olsen twin…

Wait. What?

In WTF news of the century decade week, Tour de France champion and everybody’s favorite cancer survivor, Lance Armstrong, is dating Ashley Olsen.

That’s right, the “Full House” Ashley Olsen. The 21-year old boy Ashley Olsen. The living, breathing corpse Ashley Olsen. Bizarre, we know.

The only logical conclusion is that Lance Armstrong is a big fucking weirdo.

Think about it. When you consider A) the certain media attention and B) that there are thousands of chicks in this country who would stand in line to be hollowed out by Lance Armstrong, the guy must REALLY have a thing for the Olsens to make this happen. Why else go to all the trouble?

This means we can probably assume that Lance Armstrong watches reruns of “Full House” with a rager. That he has the entire collection of Olsen sister DVDs tucked under his mattress. That his cycling Ipod is filled with nothing but songs about boys having cooties and homework being hard.

And that Lance has already made subtle innuendos to a threesome. “Ashley, I’m not certain, but I believed it’s pronounced ménage à trois…”

Lance, for being a bit of a perv, for pursuing an Olsen twin when you could use your powers of celebrity to bag multitudes of chicks that don’t look like they’ve just been released from a concentration camp, and for running shirtless with McConaughey, you’ve earned yourself a punch in the face.

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