I actually had a job interview the other day.

Since I’m not real good with the whole getting/maintaining a job thing, I asked Team Cool & Tough how to prepare for the interview.

The #1 response was that I shouldn’t waste my time going on the interview because I would suck and not get hired.

At that point, I strongly considered blowing it off, but…

The #2 response was that I needed to prepare answers to the most common interview questions. I really appreciated that some of the guys thought I had it in me to land a job, so I decided to go on the interview. Of course, preparing for questions is stupid, so I decided I would just wing that part.

I carry a Dictaphone everywhere I go. Here’s a verbatim transcript of the interview.

The Interview

Interviewer: Nice to meet you, Mr. Booth. How are you doing?

Me: How the fuck do you think I’m doing? I’m unemployed.

Interviewer: [After one minute pause] Describe some recent goals that you’ve set for yourself.

Me: Goals?

Interviewer: Yes, what kind of goals have you set for yourself?

Me: I’m sorry; I don’t understand the question. Does getting out of bed each morning count as a goal?

Interviewer: No.

Me: Good, because that’s a tough one!

Interviewer: Have you every worked in a “team” environment?

Me: Yeah, but it didn’t last too long.

Interviewer: Please explain.

Me: I would, but there are still some binding “legal issues”. I was advised not to talk about it. Not a big deal, really, you know, nothing a few stitches and an ice pack couldn’t fix.

Interviewer: OK, then. Have you ever had a problem with a coworker, and if so, how did you deal with the problem?

Me: I just told you, there are still some binding “legal issues” involved. Let’s just say it was dealt with and now I’m looking for a new job.

Interviewer: What would you say your top 3 strengths are?

Me: Man, you just don’t quit, huh? Jeez…

Interviewer: [Two minutes later] Seriously, Mr. Booth, any strengths at all?

Me: Yeah, hold on. I’m thinking…

OK, I’d have to say, one, my short game isn’t too bad. I can’t hit my woods for shit, but I’m a terror around the green.

Two, I’m pretty fast, you know, at running. I’ve lost a step or two over the years but I’d still take a guy like you in like a 30 or 40 yard sprint.

And three, lighting things on fire. I’m definitely good at lighting things on fire.

Interviewer: What would you say your top 3 weaknesses are?

Me: Other than hitting anything over a 5 iron I’m a man of few flaws. Some people say I have a weakness when it comes to chubby brunets. I’m not sure if that counts though.

Interviewer: Sure, why not? Lets just get through this.

Me: OK, that’s two weaknesses then. If I had to pick a third, I guess I’d say hygiene. I don’t really shower all that often. I’m more of bird bath kind of guy. I’m working on it though. Can we go back to the strengths question again?

Interviewer: No, lets just move on to the next one. What are your hobbies outside of work? What are your interests?

Me: I like sports. Not so much playing them, but betting on every line Vegas makes public. I’d put a G on a little league game if there was someone that would take the action. I was on a roll earlier this season so I put the whole “job” thing on hold for a while. But after the last few weeks, well, let’s just say I’m looking for a paycheck.

Interviewer: I’m scared to ask, but any other interests?

Me: Um, drinking with my friends. Or by myself, whatever gets the job done.

Interviewer: OK, lets move…

Me: Oh, and midget porn.

Interviewer: Huh?

Me: I mean, it doesn’t turn me on or anything, but the shear physics of it are amazing. Know what I mean?

Interviewer: No. Let’s just pretend I didn’t ask that question. Tell me about your college experience?

Me: Most of it was a drug and liquor induced blur, but from the bits and pieces I remember it rocked.

Interviewer: Your resume says you were in student government. Is that correct?

Me: Let me see that. [Grab resume] Yeah, how about that, maybe I was. To tell you the truth, I did a lot of crazy shi… stuff in college. My memory is a little hazy.

Interviewer: How has your job search been? Do you have any other prospects?

Me: I’d have to describe it as dark and excruciating so far. Truthfully I’m at the point now that if I don’t get this position I might be coming back here with a loaded 12 gauge just so I can take a few people with me! [Slap desk] HA HA HA!

Interviewer: [Awkward & uneasy laugh] Next question, shall we?

What do you look for in an ideal job?

Me: Easy. Hot female coworkers. I mean, there has to be something motivating me to come in every day. Who’s that chick? [Pointing out the door]

Interviewer: That’s my daughter. It’s ‘bring your daughter to work’ day. [Shutting the door] She’s in middle school.

Me: You should be proud. She’s going to be a fox.

Interviewer: Alright, if you don’t know what your goals are, where do you see yourself in 5 years?Me: Hopefully alive. I live life pretty hard.

Interviewer: I meant in terms of your career.

Me: Again, I’m a little fuzzy on the ‘career’ thing, but I wouldn’t mind having your job. Looks pretty easy. How much you pulling in, before taxes?

Interviewer: I’m not going to answer personal questions from you.

Me: That’s not personal. Asking about your sex life is personal. But judging by your daughter I’d say your wife is a cougar and you’re still probably knocking that ass around, am I right?

Interviewer: I think we’re done here.

I am almost afraid to ask but, do you have any questions about the company?

Me: Yeah, what’s your policy about drinking on the job? Because I start drinking by noon on Friday, no ifs, ands, or buts about it.

Interviewers: Umm…

Me: Oh, and while we’re on the topic of working, what are your hours of operations?

Interviewer: 8AM to 6PM.

Me: Hmmm… is that negotiable?Interviewer: This is pretty much over.

Me: What’s your policy on sexual harassment? I’m not all that “PC” if you know what I mean.

Interviewer: Thanks for coming in, I need to get to a lunch meeting.

Me: You guys work through lunch?

Interviewer: If we have a deadline.

Me: That’s not good, I get hungry. Is there are a McDonald’s near the office? I like nuggets.

Interviewer: I really must get going, thanks again.

Me: You know eating lunch is part of a healthy lifestyle. Speaking of which, do you guys have good insurance coverage?

Interviewer: [Standing by door] Why?

Me: Man, I’ve got this STD I just can’t shake.

Interviewer: If you don’t leave I’m calling security.

Me: I feel like this went well, when do I start?

Interviewer: Never.

Me: See you Monday.

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