We here at NextRound have openly debated our stance on Justin Timberlake for quite some time, and I–like the rest of us–have regularly swayed back and forth between thinking the guy is kinda sorta money and thinking he’s a big pussy.

I admit it.

But now I’ve come to an adamant conclusion: I hate Timberlake. And I’m prepared to fight him, anytime, anywhere.
You hear that, Timberlake? Just name the time and the place and pray to that big fat pedophile that made you famous that I’m not in an exceptionally shitty mood.

And do you know what’s pushed me over the edge? It’s not humping Jessica Biel, or being able to dance like a black dude, or getting all kinds of cool swag for free, or whining like an ugly chick who didn’t get asked to prom every time the paparazzi takes your picture, or decimating Britney in her prime, or pretending to to be 6′1″ when you’re clearly 5′11″, or the SNL appearances, or the sparkling public perception.

Nope, I can handle those things. What I can’t handle is Timberlake getting his own fucking PGA golf tournament.

The “Justin Timberlake Shriners Hospitals for Children Open”? Seriously?

Why doesn’t someone just uppercut me in the balls and get it over with? This dude–who’s my age, by the way–is replacing Bob Hope? He’s hosting an annual PGA event in Vegas? Vegas?! The fucking thing has his name in it?!

On top of Jessica Biel, the hip hop community, and every chick I’ve ever made it past first base with, Timberlake now also has the PGA tour, the Shriners, and sick kids under his thumb?

Is it me or is this guy just to GD powerful for someone who used to front a boy band and maintained a long-term serious relationship with a dilapidated Cameron Diaz? It can’t be just me, right?

Yeah, I’m going to have to fight him. There’s really no other option.

I might not even win. Jesus, that would suck. But I can guarantee you one thing: I’ll fight dirty. George Costanza style. Biting, scratching, groin stuff, whatever it takes. And if that doesn’t work, at least I know I can count on having roughly five members of Team Cool & Tough with me, because, you know, we’re in our twenties and we travel in packs of five or more at all times.

So as long as Timberlake doesn’t have an entourage that totals more than half our numbers (i.e. JT’s entourage ≤ Team C&T÷2), I’m pretty confident in saying that he’s in for a world of hurt.

Let’s make this happen.

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