Is Urinal Conversation Irrefutably Lame?

To our own chagrin, we’ve had a little too much workplace experience over the last few years. One office phenomenon that has consistently gotten under our skin is urinal conversation.

What are the guidelines? When is it appropriate? Is it ever appropriate? Where should you direct your eyes? What topics are in bounds?

Our boy JB can’t even get a stream going if you so much as say “What’s Up?” to him in a bathroom. The guy doesn’t drink liquids at work because he holds it all day long. It’s a real disorder he suffers from. We’re sure there are literally millions hundreds of other people out there that suffer from the same neurosis.

And without fail, when you’re in the office restroom, it’s always someone who sucks in your office that wants to make conversation. It’s never, “How about that game last night?”, it’s always something utterly mind-numbing like, “How much do you pay for a haircut?”

Since there’s so much gray area involved, we feel the only appropriate thing to do here is make a blanket judgment and set a protocol to eliminate all awkwardness. So, no matter what the setting–professional or social–unless you’re pulling the “Nice watch” line (which is a classic)…

Urinal conversation is irrefutably lame.

Is Perusing a Gossip Magazine Irrefutably Lame?

We’re confident that at least a quarter of our readers have been involved in some semblance of a relationship. And by “relationship”, we mean one with a female. A female that you’re not related to.

Well, one invariable aspect of being around a chick for longer than 24 hours is the presence of gossip magazines. We’re not sure where they come from, but every chick we know has them. They just seem to appear on coffee tables and inside of purses.

Pretend all you want that you’re too hardcore to have ever breezed through an US Weekly, People, OK, or Star magazine, but who’s kidding who? You couldn’t help yourself.

You just had to know who’s cheating on who, who’s boning who, who lied about their plastic surgery, and who looked the best in a two-piece. Invading the private lives of famous people and then judging them is a common denominator across all civilizations. Ask any anthropologist.

Of course there’s a thin line when thumbing through a gossip mag. One misstep and you’re a gay man. You can’t purchase these magazines, and you can’t comment on anything fashion oriented, and you can’t read anything that’s not a headline, and you most definitely can’t act excited or disappointed about a break up.

You’re pretty much limited to naming the chicks you’d bang and the dudes you think are in the closet. If you abide by these guidelines…

Perusing a gossip magazine is not irrefutably lame.

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