Seeing that our Monday On The Couch segment significantly decreases our scope for the week, AND that so many shows are going to have shortened seasons this year, we’ve decided to morph it into a new segment: Your Weekly Prioritizer.

Going forward, on Monday afternoons we’ll be outlining what you should prioritize over all other things in the upcoming week. Of course, “Having Beers with Your Friends” and “Getting to Know Random Ladies with Low Self Esteem” should always top your priorities, so we won’t bother to list them on a weekly basis.

Here it is, Your Weekly Prioritizer:

Stuffing Your Face on Thanksgiving Day

The one thing you must do this Thursday is eat grotesque amounts of turkey and complex carbohydrates until you are physically ill. And then go back for more. Feel free to take a tip from your bulimic cousin halfway through and pull the trigger if necessary. But whatever you do, do not let yourself look back at Thanksgiving ‘07 and think about how you could have done more. You won’t be able to forgive yourself for a year.

And if you’re one of those miserably unfortunate bastards involved in a Thanksgiving exclusively featuring shitty food, try to sneak a massive bag of McDonald’s into a strip club or something. You deserve it.

Absorbing Copious Amounts of College Football

This is the final regular season weekend for most teams, not to mention rivalry games, and it works out perfectly for you because you’ve got a lot of being fat couch time available.

The Thursday night game (USC v. Arizona State) will be WAY more entertaining and fun to gamble on than the Thursday night NFL game (Falcons v. Colts), and things only get better on Friday and Saturday. Leftovers. College Football. Permanent Couch Indentations. Enjoy.

Bag That Chick From High School

If you’re home for the holidays and feeling pretty good about your relative personal success in comparison to most of the losers you went to high school with, hit up the local bar and attempt to take home one of the chicks who thought she was better than you in high school. Make sure it’s one who now waits tables and/or takes her clothes off for a living.

Act real important, buy her expensive drinks, do your best to sneak her into your parents’ house, never call her afterwards, and if you ever see her again, pretend she made up the whole thing.

Pray Green Bay and Detroit Get Into a Shootout

When’s the last time you can remember Detroit’s Thanksgiving Day game being a decent one? Barry Sanders probably still had the will to play, right?

Well, with Brett Favre once again popping pills and imagining he’s 30, and with Mike Martz demanding the Lions run the ball less than ten times a game, let’s all roll on the over and bank on this one meeting its entertainment potential.

Email This