You know you’re in dire straits when you’re banking on Nick Cage in his shittiest of shitty haircuts to save your holiday theater going.

Yeah, it’s that bad. Because as far as big studio releases go, “National Treasure: The Sequel, Cage vs. Hairplugs” is about the only thing I’m looking forward to.

(Seriously, WTF is up with this dude’s hair? It’s hard enough to take him seriously before having to deal with him going to Mark Cuban’s barber.)

I’ve gone through the majority of high profile flicks opening through the end of the year and efficiently divided them into three distinct categories: What Maybe Won’t Suck, What Will Most Likely Suck, and What Is Guaranteed to Suck Out Loud.

Let’s get started…

What Maybe Won’t Suck

“National Treasure: Book of Secrets”

Despite no buzz and looking really cheesy at first glance, the original “National Treasure” was inexplicably solid. There’s no denying that.

So as long as the writers maintain their “Da Vinci Code” without all the Jesus stuff approach, the sequel could be just as good. Of course, with a Nick Cage-led film you are always running the risk of Cage doing his best David Caruso impersonation for half the movie. And that can prove to be more of an obstacle than even the most talented writers can overcome.

On the bright side, the guy who’s directing this flick also directed “Cool Runnings” AND “3 Ninjas”, so they have that going for them.

“Juno”

I realize a lot of our readers subscribe to the Adam Sandler School of Comedy, and that’s OK, I won’t judge you (to your face).

But I like to pretend I’m smart by being a bit of a snob obscurist and digging dark, quirky comedies that only ten percent of the population even find watchable. So this “Juno” flick looks to be right up my alley.

And who’s kidding who, I was sold when I saw Michael Cera in short shorts (the trailer is the last video in today’s RYTT).

What Will Most Likely Suck

“Hitman”

Movies based on video games are generally terrible, there’s no way around it. But did anyone else notice that the main Hitman dude is Bullock from “Deadwood”?

Doesn’t really mean anything, just seems weird. The guy’s got a decidedly odd shaped head to be cast as a bald assassin if you ask me.

“I Am Legend”

I have soooo cooled on Will Smith. It’s on him to win me back. You hear that Will? It’s on you.

What Is Guaranteed to Suck Out Loud

“Awake”

How fucking doomed is this flick? It’s stars Jessica Alba and Hayden Christensen who have made a combined zero good movies between the two of them.

And on top of that you’ve got Terrence Howard parlaying his “Hustle & Flow” fame into cashing any check from anyone for any job. Did we ever mention he starred in a movie about a black swim team with Tom Arnold? Wow.

“Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story”

I hate to be the one to finger it, but the tides are about to turn on the Will Ferrell / John C. Reilly / Judd Apatow camp. They’re getting way too much leeway to make whatever movies they want.”Walk Hard” has complacency and lack of inspiration written all over it.

It’s almost guaranteed to be fucking atrocious. Mark it down.

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