We’ll be taking Thanksgiving off since our energy levels will be at record lows due to the ungodly quantities of food we intend to consume. We hope this is cool and tough enough to get everyone through the holiday.

7 Rules for a Cool & Tough Thanksgiving

1. Treat the Women in Your Life Like Indentured Servants

Thanksgiving is one of those few days throughout the year (along with any day spent in a gentleman’s club) where you essentially hop in a time machine and travel back to the 1920’s. It’s glorious.

Whether it be your girlfriend, your wife, your lady on the side, or your relatives, make the women in your life do everything for you. Cook, clean, fetch you a drink, tell you how awesome you are, everything. Just as God intended.

And the best part is: THEY LOVE IT. Women secretly crave good, old-fashioned chauvinism. They gobble it up with a spoon. Trust us.

2. Exert the Least Amount of Energy Possible

Unless the opportunity to effortlessly bang an above average looking chick (not involving the exchange of currency) presents itself, putting your pants on in the morning should be the most strenuous activity your day. And even that’s optional.

3. Drink Liquor

Because A) It’s less filling, B) You can start earlier without arising suspicion, and C) You’ll loosen up enough to…

4. Make Lots of Unfunny Jokes

They’ll make your Turkey Day a helluva lot more enjoyable, especially if you are in a large family setting and you manage to chuckle uncomfortably after delivering each one.

Here are a few of our favorites:

• Joke to your uncle that, “this Thanksgiving turned into a real cockfest.”

• Keep referring to the Pilgrims as “Dutch Homos”.

• Ask your cousin how often he checks out gay porn just to make sure he’s straight.

• Refer to every fresh drink you make as “cranberry sauce” and say things like, “Grandma, can you believe I’m on my eighth helping of cranberry sauce?”

• When your fat aunt makes her way to the turkey announce that, “It’s every man for himself!”

• And so forth.

5. Finish every sentence with “Because I’m fucking hungry.”

6. Only Roll on Ludicrous NFL Prop Bets

Things like, “Winner of the coin toss”, “Odds of John Kitna sucker-punching Mike Martz”, and “How many times Joe Buck is mistaken for a talking penis by home audiences”.

7. Blame Everything on Tryptophan

Whether it be your behavior, your incessant use of profanity, or your inability to assist in any of the food preparation or clean-up, Tryptophan is the ultimate scapegoat.

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